I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

"He said when the seasons changed, I changed. For the first time I think he was right" Mud Vein by Tarryn Fisher Trying to gather my thoughts these days is like trying to wrestle a toddler into a car seat during a temper tantrum – impossible! What I thought was a weeklong depression became a month-long struggle; as the depression pulled me down the anxiety amped up and the emotional storm began. But not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path and turn everything sunny side up. I reached out to my doctors for help and we decided that it was time to try a new antidepressant. What I thought was malabsorption of my old medication, due to my sleeve, was more likely breakthrough depression – a sign that my former antidepressants just weren’t working anymore. I had been on them for the better part of 4 years and even after a recent increase in dose, I simply continued to spiral. Apparently, this can occur naturally for 1/3 of people taking antid...

Someone asked me how the daycare return was going... But I deleted all of my messages and  I can't remember who so I figured I would update here. When the LO was only a few months old I needed somewhere I could rely on, people I could trust, and a place that felt safe. After calling numerous places looking for help, I found our daycare; but I wasn't going to just leave her anywhere. I went, I visited, and I immediately felt welcomed, at home, and calm... probably for the first time in the 3 months prior. Jump ahead to covid times and after 3 months at home with her, we had to make the decision once again; keep her home or send her to daycare. We decided to send her back, and we are now starting our third week and it has been the best decision! The daycare is following all safety measures, there are barely any kids attending, she is much happier overall and she is much more... herself, for lack of a better explanation. We also get time to enjoy the quiet, work in peace, and rela...

Today the LO got to meet the neighbor’s new puppy for the first time and she was very excited! I knew it would go one of 2 ways; she would be afraid, or she would begin begging for one. Well, let’s just say she wasn’t afraid at all! We barely got to my car and she asked me why she can’t have a puppy. Ugh. Me: Maybe when you’re older, we can discuss it. LO: Which number older? Me: Like D's age, 16 or 17. LO: But which number am I now? ME: 4 and a half, almost 5. LO: (counting her way up to 10 out loud and on her fingers) But that’s too long! I was going through the drive thru so I thought it would distract her. LO: But why not now? I AM a big kid already! I’m growing! ME: Because, we have a cat and cats and dogs don’t like each other. LO: So we can bring the cat back to the store and get a PUPPY! Me: I’ve had her 14 years! I am not bringing her back to the store! LO: (pout) ME: Why don't we bring YOU back to the store? LO: Because I'm NOT an ANIMAL! I...

107 days. That is how many days it has taken since surgery to reach one-derland! After a frustrating 5 week long stall, the scale finally started moving again about 6 days ago and I rapidly lost the 7lbs holding me back from my first major weight target; to get out of the 200-range forever! One (hundred), a number I haven’t seen in so long I can’t even remember. But I do remember the weight gain; 165, 170, 185, 192, 198, 201… 244. Telling myself with each pound that it had to stop, I had to stop. I could blame the fertility hormones for a lot of the fluctuations, but I could only hold myself accountable for the rest. But truth be told, it was easier not to. Until now! With every pound I shed, the shame of who I had let myself become vanishes along with it. With every inch I lose, I gain a newfound respect for myself. Because of the extra long stall, I was able to do some blood tests earlier than scheduled. I expected the worst because I hadn’t been feeling too well, but the r...