Find your tribe, love them hard!
Lately, I often find myself referring to my life as “before baby”, “on mat leave” and “after mat leave”, almost like quantified eras of time. Because, to me, they are just that; long and distinct periods of MY history with a particular feature or characteristic. I suppose “before baby” could be further broken down into countless subdivisions, but those are other stories for another time!
I bring this up because I feel as though a new era is on the horizon; an era of change. Because, I understand now that the greatest gift I can give myself (and my daughter) is to let go of other people’s expectations of me and set my own goals, limits and expectations for myself – in other words, no one else gets to tell me who I can, and cannot, be.
You can’t pick your family, your co-workers, or your neighbors, but you can choose how you react and respond to difficult situations. My relationship with my mother and stepfather, my extended family, my in-laws, my j-o-b, my neighbors… all a constant work-in-progress, but we are getting there – curveballs and all! Where I once tried to smooth things over to make everybody happy, I now put my LO first and do whatever I feel is best for her, both directly and indirectly. If it means putting aside my issues with my mother to allow her to be a grandmother, I try. If it means looking into other career opportunities for better finances or better peace of mind, I will explore. And if it means building better fences, well… I prefer hedges, but you get the point.
Contrarily, you can pick your friends… but you can’t force them to stay in your life forever. It is another continuous work-in-progress! Not to be cheesy, but nurturing a friendship really is just like planting a garden; the more you put into it, the more it grows! But you have to remember, that not every seed will blossom. Some will flourish into forever friendships, unbreakable and strong bonds for life. Others will wilt, grow into weeds, or never root deep enough to stick around in the first place. And, that’s ok! A single flower can be my garden, if it came down to it, but I would rather it be at least a few – you know who you are!
And then there is the mom-tribe, the village it takes to raise a child. A concept I thought was highly cliché before having a child of my own, but was so happy to find very early on in motherhood! The first 5 weeks were awesome! We were a team, DH and I. But then he returned to work… and I felt stranded, alone, incapable, and… foreign in my own world. See, I didn’t have too many people at my beck and call whenever I needed them, like some. And that’s when I realized that I needed more people; like me - moms, perfectly imperfect women who made it through the dark rabbit hole and out the other side in one piece! And, I found them! Don’t get me wrong, I did reach out in those early days to those I already had around me and, some of them, came running as fast as they could! Thank you! But, those working hours… they were oh sooo long! First I followed the advice of another mom and went to a community playgroup where we were met with open arms. Then I reached out to another recent mom and we bonded, fiercely… weekly, in fact! Because I wasn’t the only one who needed a tribe, she did too! And that’s when I realized that sometimes, your tribe picks you. And what a fantastic feeling that is!
So, as I said before, a new era is on the horizon… but, as for my tribe? I won’t ever let them go. Even though we definitely don’t see each other as often as we once did, they are forever and always in my heart and in my thoughts… and thankfully just a text away!
I bring this up because I feel as though a new era is on the horizon; an era of change. Because, I understand now that the greatest gift I can give myself (and my daughter) is to let go of other people’s expectations of me and set my own goals, limits and expectations for myself – in other words, no one else gets to tell me who I can, and cannot, be.
"As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus."
You can’t pick your family, your co-workers, or your neighbors, but you can choose how you react and respond to difficult situations. My relationship with my mother and stepfather, my extended family, my in-laws, my j-o-b, my neighbors… all a constant work-in-progress, but we are getting there – curveballs and all! Where I once tried to smooth things over to make everybody happy, I now put my LO first and do whatever I feel is best for her, both directly and indirectly. If it means putting aside my issues with my mother to allow her to be a grandmother, I try. If it means looking into other career opportunities for better finances or better peace of mind, I will explore. And if it means building better fences, well… I prefer hedges, but you get the point.
Contrarily, you can pick your friends… but you can’t force them to stay in your life forever. It is another continuous work-in-progress! Not to be cheesy, but nurturing a friendship really is just like planting a garden; the more you put into it, the more it grows! But you have to remember, that not every seed will blossom. Some will flourish into forever friendships, unbreakable and strong bonds for life. Others will wilt, grow into weeds, or never root deep enough to stick around in the first place. And, that’s ok! A single flower can be my garden, if it came down to it, but I would rather it be at least a few – you know who you are!
And then there is the mom-tribe, the village it takes to raise a child. A concept I thought was highly cliché before having a child of my own, but was so happy to find very early on in motherhood! The first 5 weeks were awesome! We were a team, DH and I. But then he returned to work… and I felt stranded, alone, incapable, and… foreign in my own world. See, I didn’t have too many people at my beck and call whenever I needed them, like some. And that’s when I realized that I needed more people; like me - moms, perfectly imperfect women who made it through the dark rabbit hole and out the other side in one piece! And, I found them! Don’t get me wrong, I did reach out in those early days to those I already had around me and, some of them, came running as fast as they could! Thank you! But, those working hours… they were oh sooo long! First I followed the advice of another mom and went to a community playgroup where we were met with open arms. Then I reached out to another recent mom and we bonded, fiercely… weekly, in fact! Because I wasn’t the only one who needed a tribe, she did too! And that’s when I realized that sometimes, your tribe picks you. And what a fantastic feeling that is!
So, as I said before, a new era is on the horizon… but, as for my tribe? I won’t ever let them go. Even though we definitely don’t see each other as often as we once did, they are forever and always in my heart and in my thoughts… and thankfully just a text away!
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