I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

Expansion, by Paige Bradley The Story of Expansion – PAIGE BRADLEY To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it’s not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It’s our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. – Heidi Priebe  

mis·con·strue (verb) /ˌmiskənˈstro͞o/ to interpret (something, especially a person's words or actions) wrongly. I've come to the realization that there are some people I simply cannot have face to face conversations with right now, and not because of Covid! It may sound strange, but I simply don’t feel comfortable with the immediacy that some people bring out and/or require when having a discussion. I become overwhelmed which leads to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and often times disappointment and disagreements that could have been avoided altogether. I need time to process what I hear and mull things over a bit before I can accurately comment or respond, and some people simply don't allow for that so I need to learn to make the space for it myself. Not to mention, that a handful of people just know how to push my buttons harder than others, and I really don’t need that right now! Conversely, there are a few people that I could talk to for hours, effortlessly, whe...

I seem to be struggling, trying to live more within myself while simultaneously testing the waters around me to be more accepting of who I am to be able to overcome my fears of constantly being judged. I mean, nobody could possibly judge me harder than I judge myself, but my own worst enemy shouldn’t be between my own two ears. I used to think that I could talk through this stuff with friends, but I realize now that it would often just cloud my thoughts and gave me unnecessary uncertainty; so much so that it would cause me to not think for myself. And when things were just too complicated to unravel, or when I couldn’t talk with anyone, I would write; sometimes creatively, other times as an emotional escape. I guess I do the same now, through this blog, in a way. You write so beautifully... the inside of your mind must be a terrible place. Even as a child, I would write for hours and I would put into words all the places I went to in my head to escape my childhood. As I got older my w...

Hey! It’s #BellLetsTalk day! So, lets talk about mental health! While I still haven’t been officially diagnosed by my psychiatrist, it’s looking clearer and clearer that Bipolar II will be the end result; so much so that I already started the medication one week ago today after a 5 day long “episode”. And while the diagnosis of being bipolar explains so many things from the past, it poses limitless questions for the future. So, to not get overwhelmed by it all, I am simply trying to live in the now and learn to identify and control my inner turbulence, before projecting it all around me whenever possible. I haven’t been doing so well with that, but I need to give myself a break and take it one day at a time – or at least that’s what I’ve been told 1000 times! Admittedly though, I have found myself putting my guards back up again over the last year. Between weight loss surgery, a pandemic, and now the mental health struggle I simply needed to pull some people back in (that had previou...

Fall is here and, once again, Mother Nature is about to show us how lovely it is to simply let things go; shed the dead weight, release the old and make way for the new. And for once I am listening, welcoming a fresh start once and for all! The older I get, the more I realize that I don't want to be around drama, conflict or stress anymore. I just want my house to feel like a home, good (for you) food on the table and to be surrounded by the company of positive, supportive, loyal and happy people. That’s it. That’s all.  The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own homes Harold B. Lee Let’s start with my immediate family. As someone who has been surrounded by dysfunctional families her whole life, my own as well as others’ experiences, I can honestly say that the whole “ blood is thicker than water ” quote people freely throw around is complete BS! Just because someone is a blood relative, does not mean that they have an innate ability to provide the lov...

Oh my goodness! We don't have the same mom, or even the same dad, but my BFF of 30+ years is the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. Earlier tonight I logged on to Facebook to the sweetest, heartwarming, message from her and I had to share. Dear Friend, This is my promise of sisterhood. You are allowed bad moods, bad days, and bad seasons.  I will not judge you by your vent sesh and I know you won’t judge me by mine. I will tell you when there’s stuff in your teeth and that your beard hair is sprouting again. When hard things swallow you up you can borrow my faith, because someday soon I will need to borrow yours. I will embrace your differences. I might not be wired the same way as you, but loving you means loving all of you. You might drink tea, I drink coffee. You might homeschool, I do public. You might organize your cupboards, I do the stuff and slam. It doesn’t matter how we are different, we don’t need to be the same to be besties. I will never use you or take ad...

So here's the thing about anxiety, and depression, it doesn't take a look at your schedule and find a place to fit itself in. It shows up when and where it wants to and manifests itself however it chooses to. It doesn't ask you which combination of symptoms you prefer or who you want to lash out at today, it just acts. It manipulates you. It plays on your fears, your doubts and your worries. Everything is what-if and worst case scenario. On the right dose, my medication kept things manageable. Well, not quite. On the right dose, I was numb; I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. But maybe that's what I needed. In fact, it's what I need right now! What worked a year ago seems less effective this year. Day by day, it is ruining my ability to fall asleep at night, which in turn is killing my concentration during the day. I worry about everything and my mind never relaxes. Even my dreams don't stop when I finally do fall asleep at night. I am constantly questio...

Like clockwork, as the summer days began to fade away, something inexplicable came over me and I felt like I was unraveling again. A feeling that I have felt countless times before, but it wasn’t until last fall that I even knew what it was, medically speaking. In addition to the already known Generalized Anxiety Disorder that took over my life soon after giving birth, I was finally diagnosed with Season Affective Disorder (SAD). I suppose that I should be grateful that I finally have a name for what has plagued me and only gotten worse with age, but it’s so ambiguous; it’s not something that you can see, touch, or even fully explain to another human being really which can be extremely frustrating. SAD has been quite easy to manage on the right dosage of meds, but it’s like walking a tightrope when they are the slightest bit off. I weaned down over summer (instead of completely off like I did last year - big mistake) and was told to be sure that I was back up to my full dose befo...

It's funny how strangers can become best friends just as easily as best friends can become strangers to one another. What may have started with a simple hello, might suddenly end with a complicated goodbye. This has happened to me a handful of times and I remember that I was never even mad about it... I was just very hurt, and that's a very specific difference. It hurts when someone who made you feel so special yesterday, can make you feel so unwelcome today. I think the hardest part is not talking to someone you used to talk to every day. I mean, to just ignore each other, try to pretend the other doesn't exist, but deep down knowing that it wasn't supposed to be that way isn't easy. And it doesn't matter if it was a relationship or a friendship; when it ends your heart breaks. In fact, in my experience, close friends have broken my heart in ways partners could never dream of! But, in many cases, even if they broke my heart, I still loved them with each and eve...

I listen to The Beat 92.5 from the time I get into my car in the morning until I arrive home at night. Last month, the morning hosts did an exercise writing letters to their younger selves, and after crying in my car with each one (thanks guys), it was hearing Nikki's letter that made me decide to write my own. It is not an easy letter to write. As she said herself, the first attempt was quite harsh and critical... not at all what I wanted it to be! After numerous revisions, this is what I am comfortable sharing. So you just turned 15 and I'm nearing 40. I feel like receiving a letter from my future self at this age wouldn't have been appreciated as much as it should have, but knowing what I know now I assure you that it could have made a world of difference! So, here we go... You met a new best friend over the summer that you spend hours on the phone with and you think you've found the stability you've been searching for in a neighbor you consider to be...

My first 3 sessions are over and I only have a couple more remaining from my current “package”. I feel as though my head is in a better place now, and my direction(s) are more clearly defined, but with limited sessions (provided by my employer) it is hard to get to the bottom of everything. As for the therapist herself, we actually knew each other from high school. We never really interacted, but we knew of one another. Initially I was apprehensive about this when booking with her, but my employer changed providers recently and their options were extremely limited. I reached out to let her know of the potential conflict, and we both agreed that it would not get in the way. She assured me that the decision was ultimately mine, and I am glad that I stuck with her! While we hung around very different crowds, way back when, she seems to have a lot of personal experiences aligned with my own that has helped provide a lot of insight for me. The top 3 challenges I have narrowed things down ...

By now I am sure most people have seen the post entitled "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" making the rounds on social media in the last year. But, how many of you actually clicked on it? If you are like me, I initially thought the title was so petty that it would be an eye-roll of a read. But, I had extra time one day (imagine that!) and it popped up in my saved links on Facebook so I gave it a try. And I cannot tell you how many people I have forwarded it to since! The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink. She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. It is an excellent read if you are having troubles or not; whether you are the one leaving the dishes or the one cleaning them up. To read the full piece, head over to Must Be This Tall To Ride .

I suppose the majority of my CMM readers have always been those close to my journey TTC, personally or following a similar path, but my goal with IABYA is to be a bit more broad in scope and reach a larger audience. I am not looking to take over the world wide web and become an empire, just a little slice! I will continue to keep this as a personal journal of sorts, but I also hope to share guest posts and curated content as well ( in other words - if you have something to say... please message me, I want to hear from you ). There is so much information out there regarding our health, parenting, relationships and anything else you can think of, but sometimes a story jumps out at me and I just feel like it is something I need to share! So, I will try and post a list of interesting reads from time to time alongside my own story. Some may be correlated or intertwined, others may just be an interesting read. I may even dig something up from my old blog! Being a new mom as well as a...