Too much talk, not enough expression…

I seem to be struggling, trying to live more within myself while simultaneously testing the waters around me to be more accepting of who I am to be able to overcome my fears of constantly being judged. I mean, nobody could possibly judge me harder than I judge myself, but my own worst enemy shouldn’t be between my own two ears.

I used to think that I could talk through this stuff with friends, but I realize now that it would often just cloud my thoughts and gave me unnecessary uncertainty; so much so that it would cause me to not think for myself. And when things were just too complicated to unravel, or when I couldn’t talk with anyone, I would write; sometimes creatively, other times as an emotional escape. I guess I do the same now, through this blog, in a way.

You write so beautifully...
the inside of your mind must be a terrible place.

Even as a child, I would write for hours and I would put into words all the places I went to in my head to escape my childhood. As I got older my writing took more of a poetic flow, often dark and certainly more personal than anything I had ever written before. But I remember when I was about 15 years old my mother found a box of my writing hidden under my bed. She was horrified, and so was I. I started a fire in the backyard and burned everything I had written that I could find so no one would be able to read them again – and then I got better at hiding things.

I got so good at hiding, and a little less dramatic, that I realize now that I compartmentalized my life. I was called out on this recently and initially argued against it, but it’s undeniably true; my social media, creative spaces, friendships, family, you name it – they are all unique and distinct. Looking back, how could I possibly have expected anyone to help guide me through my own headspace when they couldn’t see the full picture my mind was painting? They couldn’t have, and even now, very few can because the constant fear of judgment and being misunderstood continues to loom over my head.

I still write, but I edit my words. I still create, but I normalize my pieces and mostly keep them to myself. Everything I do is a tiny reflection of me, and yet they are all divided into nice little boxes to give me some sense of control over what I share and who I share it with. The thing is, sometimes I can’t always explain myself, even to those I am closest to; sometimes I can only show how I feel, and I shouldn’t need to hide my forms of expression - especially not from the ones I trust with all my heart. The people who know everything there is to know about me, the ones who take up a lot more space in my heart than anyone else, are fewer and farther in between these days; so much so that most people only know a version of me that no longer exists... and others seem to need a reminder that those old version(s) don’t exist anymore; myself included some days. 

Go outside yourself to listen, go inside yourself to speak – Trey Edwards

I am learning to trust myself and grow more comfortable with my own thought process. I realize now that I should have listened more, and I should have been softer with my words, especially when talking to myself. Maybe I just wasn’t ready then, but I’ve changed, and a lot has changed me. Don’t get me wrong, tough love certainly has its place and all, but some self-care is long overdue!

So, to get back to ME, I need to get back to basics! Back to what I know, back to what I am comfortable with and use the tools I must to help me fully express and understand myself. I have been navigating new territory for a couple of years now, and I shouldn’t have tried to do it almost completely alone.

I need to revive my creative side; she has been dormant too long.