I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

Now, more than ever, I see what a blessing in disguise it was for me when Covid shut the world down just weeks after my weight loss surgery. I am grateful that I had the time to sort myself out, both mentally and physically, and properly prepare myself for re-entry into this new world; not the one that everyone else is living in, by MY new normal. As things are starting to open again, and go back to some level of familiarity, I realize that it is going to be a bit like putting a square peg in a round hole for me. Story of my life, on so many levels these days! Take a spontaneous meal out at a restaurant for example; something we did a few times a month pre-Covid without hesitation. Now, twice in the last month alone I have been caught completely off guard with restaurant and food choices in such a way that I don’t even care that they are all opening again! The first time was on soccer night. I have been preparing a picnic dinner to eat on the field before the LO plays but decided to gr...

Never in my adult life did I ever experience "fat shaming", at least not to my face. But the "skinny-shaming" is out of control!  While I spent years eating my emotions, nobody sat there asking "Are you going to keep gaining?", "How much more are you going to gain?", "Shouldn't you eat less?", "Don't you want to look good?" over and over again. But now that I've lost so much its like a constant barrage of "Are you done losing yet?", "How much more are you trying to lose?", "Shouldn't you eat more?", "Aren't you happy with the way you look now?" over and over again! I'm not saying I should have been fat-shamed, but maybe people should have been more concerned when I was unhealthy than they are now that I'm on the right track! And I get that when someone sees me for the first time in a year (especially those that don't know I had surgery) there is bound to b...

I seem to be struggling, trying to live more within myself while simultaneously testing the waters around me to be more accepting of who I am to be able to overcome my fears of constantly being judged. I mean, nobody could possibly judge me harder than I judge myself, but my own worst enemy shouldn’t be between my own two ears. I used to think that I could talk through this stuff with friends, but I realize now that it would often just cloud my thoughts and gave me unnecessary uncertainty; so much so that it would cause me to not think for myself. And when things were just too complicated to unravel, or when I couldn’t talk with anyone, I would write; sometimes creatively, other times as an emotional escape. I guess I do the same now, through this blog, in a way. You write so beautifully... the inside of your mind must be a terrible place. Even as a child, I would write for hours and I would put into words all the places I went to in my head to escape my childhood. As I got older my w...

Through a series of FORTUNATE events… we have been vaccinated! I have known since Sunday that I had the appointment, but I wanted the needle in my arm before saying anything, just in case! And yes, I feel a drop of guilt about it all - but this isn't an opportunity I could pass up. Our second doses are schedule for early August.

For everyone else, today is Valentine’s Day (which was never my cup of tea), but for me it will forever be known as VSG Day (vertical sleeve gastrectomy). And, today is my one-year anniversary! A year ago, I made a goal weight for myself of 165lbs. This is what I weighed 20yrs prior and the last time I remembered feeling remotely comfortable in my own skin. At the time, it didn’t seem at all feasible, but within the last 4 weeks I have met that goal! Now that I am here, I admit that I would like to lose another 10-15lbs, but I am not going to kill myself to get there. And, ironically, while I have hit my goal weight and feel healthier than I have in years, it is the physical skin that is now bothering me more than anything. I truly believe that being home for the last year has made reaching my goals possible. Don’t get me wrong, I am getting really fed up of this working remotely bullshit and there are a few people I would love to see on a more regular basis again, but it has been mos...

Hey! It’s #BellLetsTalk day! So, lets talk about mental health! While I still haven’t been officially diagnosed by my psychiatrist, it’s looking clearer and clearer that Bipolar II will be the end result; so much so that I already started the medication one week ago today after a 5 day long “episode”. And while the diagnosis of being bipolar explains so many things from the past, it poses limitless questions for the future. So, to not get overwhelmed by it all, I am simply trying to live in the now and learn to identify and control my inner turbulence, before projecting it all around me whenever possible. I haven’t been doing so well with that, but I need to give myself a break and take it one day at a time – or at least that’s what I’ve been told 1000 times! Admittedly though, I have found myself putting my guards back up again over the last year. Between weight loss surgery, a pandemic, and now the mental health struggle I simply needed to pull some people back in (that had previou...

At my heaviest, I wore a size 1X/2X max. I had a couple of stores I relied on, and while my options were limited, I was never lacking. But I kept telling myself that I couldn’t wait for the day I could walk into any Winners/Marshall's type store and try on anything I wanted and have it fit – no name brand to big name labels and everything in between. Flash forward to recent weeks, needing to find yet another winter jacket because I can’t handle the cold anymore, and I was nothing but disappointed. I’ve lost just over 70lbs, I wear a size 10-12 pants now, M-L tops and even my feet lost a whole shoe size! But I go and try on some “good” brands and they won’t fit me until I am looking at a size 3X!? Come on! If a size 10 is “perfect” to the rest of us, what the hell size is ideal for these companies? I mean, no wonder their models look anorexic! I found one jacket I fell in love with, almost enough to pay the bloated sticker price too… but just looking at that 3S tag made me sick. The...

In some cases, the more things have changed the more they’ve stayed the same. But while many people seem to enjoy focusing on all the negatives these last (how many) months, I am always trying to find the bright side to things. And, in doing so, I have unexpectedly found several silver linings to my Covid world. Let’s start with my weight loss and overall health. I am now nearly 10 months out from surgery. A few weeks ago, I had my follow up with nursing and am happy to report that I have surpassed their expectations! The weight loss goal they set is to lose 60% of your excess weight by 12 months post-op. At only 9 months out, at the time, I had already lost 66% of my excess weight and will continue to lose until 12-18 months out. I firmly believe that I would not have been this successful had I been at work because I wouldn’t have had the discipline that I am able to have at home. Re-learning how to nourish yourself is a long process. For me, it involves reading every single label, mo...

Fall is here and, once again, Mother Nature is about to show us how lovely it is to simply let things go; shed the dead weight, release the old and make way for the new. And for once I am listening, welcoming a fresh start once and for all! The older I get, the more I realize that I don't want to be around drama, conflict or stress anymore. I just want my house to feel like a home, good (for you) food on the table and to be surrounded by the company of positive, supportive, loyal and happy people. That’s it. That’s all.  The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own homes Harold B. Lee Let’s start with my immediate family. As someone who has been surrounded by dysfunctional families her whole life, my own as well as others’ experiences, I can honestly say that the whole “ blood is thicker than water ” quote people freely throw around is complete BS! Just because someone is a blood relative, does not mean that they have an innate ability to provide the lov...