I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

In June of 2017, after running Creating My Monster for a decade, I wrote my first “Last Post” to close that lengthy chapter of my life, the end of an era! At the time my daughter was 1.5 years old, and I felt that her story, and mine, needed a fresh start. And, so became I Am – Because You Are. But, with that said, it is no longer up to me to share her story. While lovingly referred to all this time as my LO (little one), she is no longer little. At 6 years old, she has very strong opinions, she already tells me what I can and cannot share with others (especially when it comes to her photo), and she has an absolute right to privacy. I protect her on all other social media platforms and, starting now, I will do the same here. While the audience for IABYA is far less than CMM’s, mainly because it is no longer affiliated with any blogging communities and I rarely promote products or apply for partnerships anymore, it does reach wider than I am comfortable with. I have shared less and les...

With her 6th birthday just around the corner, and her first ever report card expected tonight, I have been thinking a lot about what comes next. Daycare was a bubble, it was safe, familiar, and protective. It gave us everything we needed when we needed it the most. And while our transition to kindergarten has not been seamless, it has been far better than I had originally anticipated.  So, clearly, she’s a big kid now; it’s time for change and she is more than ready for the challenge. I need to encourage her to try new things, allow her to discover whether she can step out of her comfort zone and learn to overcome her fears and uncertainties. I need to take a step back and let her learn to solve more problems on her own, let her experiment and let her learn from her mistakes. I need her to know that, even though she might not like it, failure IS an option and it's completely normal and one of the best ways to learn. I want to build her self confidence and self-esteem, make her beli...

An unexpected email, with 2 very simple questions: What’s been your biggest win of the back-to-school season? What’s your biggest struggle? Let’s start with the first since it’s an easy one. She loves school! She loves taking the bus to school. She loves going to daycare after school. She loves the Breakfast Club. She loves the hot lunches. She loves her teacher. She loved her first Ped Day. Honestly, there isn’t one thing about the whole school experience that I would say she doesn’t love, except that she never gets homework so she sometimes gives some to herself – but that will wear off quickly once she hits Grade 1 I’m sure! SO, all in all, it’s a huge win! However, as the parent, I do see an emerging struggle that she is blissfully unaware of for the time being. And so, advocating for my child has taken precedence once again. There is no such thing as a “bad kid” - just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings & needs the only way they know...

 A few people have been asking me how the end of daycare and start of school went, and while I had the best of intentions to write this bit by bit over the last week and post on the weekend, my brain had other plans for us and that just didn’t happen! So, here is a synopsis of everything.  Last day of daycare While the Friday before was a whirlwind of unexplained (and possibly misplaced) emotions, the last minutes of her last day with her teacher went surprisingly well! When I got to the door, I rang the bell, but no one came so I thought maybe it hadn’t rung inside. I pressed it again and this time I heard it clearly. Still, no one. As I went to press it a 3rd time, around the corner came my smiling LO with a gift bag in her hands followed by a sobbing teacher! They shared a few more hugs before and she was finally handed over to me after I promised we would come back to visit. Barely at the car, she remembered that I came to pick her up specifically when her te...

We have had an eventful few days, and even more for the week to come. Last Friday the LO had an emotional goodbye with one of the girls who works at daycare. It seems like they had bonded in a short amount of time, and after hearing that this girl would be leaving for school herself, our LO was overcome with emotions. She internalizes first, while processing, and either resolves it on her own or bursts. This time she burst, and she kept repeating that the girl "really likes her" and asking "why is she leaving for school" over and over again. The thing is, while she has bonded with her over the last couple of months, it's nothing in comparison to the attachment she has with her teacher. They met when she was only 3 months old, she's spent time with her on and off throughout her years at daycare, but has actually been in her class for the last 2 years! While her emotions were genuine, I don't feel as though they were truly attached to that particular girl ...

I think by now every parent has seen the viral, and powerful, video of the dad staying calm and patient through his toddler’s uncharacteristically bad tantrum. If you haven’t already seen it, you can find it here . Closer to the end, you see the child simply sitting in her father’s arms with her head on his chest, melting into calmness, in what is commonly referred to as the Heartbeat Hug. The idea behind this hug is to provide a sense of security, to reinforce that you are always a safe place for your child to fall, and to soothe them by synchronizing your heartbeats and breathing together. Clearly you, the parent, need to be calm as well for this to work! The thing about the Heartbeat Hug is that it is not limited to tantrums. This last week alone we have used the hug three times, not because of an emotional outburst but rather an inability to communicate. She has something she wants to say but struggles to find the words; you see that she is overcome with an emotion that she can’t l...

Fall is here and, once again, Mother Nature is about to show us how lovely it is to simply let things go; shed the dead weight, release the old and make way for the new. And for once I am listening, welcoming a fresh start once and for all! The older I get, the more I realize that I don't want to be around drama, conflict or stress anymore. I just want my house to feel like a home, good (for you) food on the table and to be surrounded by the company of positive, supportive, loyal and happy people. That’s it. That’s all.  The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own homes Harold B. Lee Let’s start with my immediate family. As someone who has been surrounded by dysfunctional families her whole life, my own as well as others’ experiences, I can honestly say that the whole “ blood is thicker than water ” quote people freely throw around is complete BS! Just because someone is a blood relative, does not mean that they have an innate ability to provide the lov...

As the days in isolation have turned to weeks, and rumor is that the weeks will likely be extended to months, my anxiety has been mostly under control. Yes, I have raised one of my meds back to where it was before surgery preventatively, but I haven't felt the need for the additional tranquilizer and that's a good thing! But, surprising. I reached out to a bunch of friends around me who similarly deal with anxiety and, for the most part, we are all unbelievably calm during this storm. It's like we've been training for this our whole lives! We see everyone around us beginning to feel the way we do every day and, in a strange way, it's extremely comforting. It almost normalizes how I feel. Feeling nervous, restless or tense? Having trouble sleeping? All those nights while everyone else was sleeping fine, I had insomnia. Now everyone else has insomnia and I could sleep all day! Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety? Afraid to go out shopping, for...

My daughter surprised me a couple of nights ago. She happily took out about a dozen My Little Ponies, lined them up, had me help her brush their hair one by one and made sure we didn’t stop until they were all “nice and pretty”. Nothing unusual for an almost 4-year-old, right? Wrong. Not MY daughter. She has clearly rejected the majority of “girl-related” anything since she was able to convey her feelings to us. She has never played with dolls, dislikes princesses, rejects dresses, and so on. She prefers cars, trucks, everything blue, and dinosaurs which is completely fine by me! All of her friends are boys and she has always been outnumbered by them at her daycare so this may explain a few things. But, I admit that I am not overly girly either, so I get it. In either case, our child does not conform to gender roles, and that is totally OK! She’s different, but she is thriving and we love every ounce of her – whether she refers to herself as a girl OR a boy. That said, I am als...

Have you ever been walking through the grocery store and found that cake mixes and icing were on sale for 1$ each and next thing you knew you were home baking a cake for no particular occasion? Well, consider yourself lucky, because in more remote areas that same cake mix can cost upwards of 10$ and the icing 15$ or more! With prices like that you would think twice about baking an any day cake, and for those who could not afford it birthdays would not be the same. I mean, who doesn’t want to blow out the candles on their birthday cake and make a wish? And this is where the Northern Birthday Box Project comes in! A friend participated with her children and was talking about it so I took a look and found this description on their Facebook page: This page was created to assist in bringing birthday fun to children aged 1-17, living in remote and Northern Canada. Completed birthday applications must be submitted at least 2 months before the child's birthday in order to qualify for a b...

I have always known that we would be a one and done family. I have said it 1000 times and even gotten upset when people have questioned me about having a sibling for our LO. I also just turned 40 and, subconsciously, that was always another cut off for me should we have decided to change our minds. But opening my email Tuesday morning to a message from our fertility clinic about our 6 remaining embryos jarred me. We could either keep them frozen for a yearly fee of 350$, discard them, donate them for research and teaching or donate them to a woman/couple that needed them. 350$ per year seemed like a waste of money since we do not plan to use them. If i were younger, i would have considered this but not now. Discarding them, while an option many choose, seems to be a waste. I worked hard for those embryos! If they aren't going to become little humans, they should still be productive in some way after all those blood, sweat and tears. Donation for research and teaching had always be...

I thought we had a dozen or so more years before we had to deal with our LO’s first heartbreak over a boy, but it has already begun! And, to be honest, I’m a little heartbroken for her too! The girls have always been outnumbered by the boys at daycare, but rather than stick with them she has always chosen to be one of the boys. And, in the last few months, she has been partial to one in particular… “My N”. She looks for him in the morning, makes sure to say good-bye to him 100 times before we leave and has even run out into the field area to pick dandelions and rocks for him before getting into the car to go home (because, clearly, that is love). And he is a sweetheart as well, running right up to her in the morning, sharing his cars with her and often shouting good-bye repeatedly from the playground as we walk away. They share a birthday month and really are the best of friends, with another little boy as their sidekick (otherwise known as the third wheel). A couple of weeks ago whe...

This kid absolutely melts my heart. And, I admit it, I am going to miss these days when she gets older and wants nothing to do with me! Our morning routine runs quite smoothly, most days. But about once a week, usually on Thursdays, we have a very difficult start. The LO is tired, oppositional, defiant, and simply grumpy which has resulted in a loss of early morning television privileges these last couple of weeks in an effort to curb her behavior. We have identified a couple of factors that contribute to this shift in behavior and we are going to try and figure out a solution as soon as possible because, as much as I dislike Mondays, I hate Thursday mornings! But there is a light at the end of the tunnel... Something definitely changed this morning. I told her if she cooperated with her hair and ate her cereal she could have a 5 minute TV reward. She understood and did exactly as I asked, eating every last bite of her Rice Krispies before throwing the bowl into the sink and getting he...

Yesterday was a snow day for most, but it was more than that for me. A friend recently posted that 2019 was time to end the stigma round calling in to work "sick" due to mental health, and that is what yesterday's snow day was for me, a mental health day. For a couple of weeks now, I have felt a strong need for some real down time. Just a chance to be alone; quiet, mindless, unplanned… a disconnect to reconnect sort of thing. I had even considered taking a day off to just sit around and do nothing, but that never turns out as planned because I have time to “plan” it which is counterproductive. But, an unanticipated snow day did the trick! A lazy morning followed by a chance to put on some snow pants, shovel our way out of the house and play in the snow. We ran some errands while stores were pretty empty. I had lunch with my little girl and follow it up with a 2hr nap on a Wednesday! I baked a cake simply because she asked for one and, lastly, threw in a movie to en...

Once again, I am amazed at the rollercoaster of emotions that one can experience in a day; it is truly phenomenal! Admittedly, I am already in a very fragile state, with far too much on my plate according to my therapist (not that I needed her observation on this as I am already highly aware), but yesterday was simply unbelievable. Since DH left late Saturday night so we are on our own. I typically leave errands for when he is away as it takes a good chunk out of the long day and our LO is a very content little shopper. She doesn’t typically throw tantrums and, when she does, they are quickly over and done with. But not this one! This one required every ounce of myself that I could muster and, even then, it left me mentally depleted. On the way to Wal-Mart I could see that she was falling asleep so I took the long way there to be sure she knocked out before I turned off the engine. Once parked, I left her sleep for a good 30 minutes so that she would be ok through shopping and lunch, b...

I don’t remember how it came up exactly, but recently someone asked me what the biggest change was after becoming a mom. My answer was simple; priorities. My priorities were rarely ever static and they would always fluctuate throughout the year; too often work-related, frequently health oriented, often times centered on family or relationship issues, sometimes focused on friendships and not often enough about myself. But now, whatever order all of those fall in – my daughter always comes first. And I think this is why this past summer, these last few weeks, and the next 10 days have and will be extra difficult for me. Not because my daughter is my number one priority, but because I haven’t quite figured out how to make all the rest of it less of one. It is high-season at work, complicated by recent and ongoing health issues for myself, coupled with on and off work-widowing (about to happen again) and compounded by the LO’s upcoming eye and ear surgeries. All areas which I mistakenly be...

It’s the end of August, so naturally Costco has their winter pajamas, boots and snowsuits out already! We went to pick up a few things last week and I was hoping to get some 2-piece winter PJ’s but they only had footed onesies. The LO tends to sleep without any covers on so maybe those aren’t so bad after all, aside from the fact that I hate them and potty training is around the corner! She isn’t a fan of pink, and prefers blue, so when I saw a heather grey pair covered in multicolored woodland creatures I thought she would approve, or at least compromise. I showed them to her and got an immediate “no, pas ca” in response. I looked across the table and saw that the only other options were extra girly, so they wouldn’t do either. I was about to move on and then I saw her staring at something on the “boys” side of the table. I told her to go and choose one, thinking she would pick the goofy blue monster, but instead she pulled off another heather grey pair… covered in bright yellow ...

I am not going to sugar coat anything... today was rough. DH is away for work again, and the LO decided to push my buttons 1000 times. I get it, she is 2.5! She is clearly testing her limits and exploring her independence, especially since I was frequently out of sight doing laundry and such, leaving her to her own devices. She was playing with things she knows she isn't supposed to, climbing to get items I purposely put out of her reach, refusing to eat what I put in front of her, knocking over juice and yogurt in frustration and throwing mini tantrums even at the swimming pool! Today was the last class and I didn't think we would make it in! Did she drive me crazy? A little, yeah. But... I learned something today. She was upset about something, I still don't know what, and we collided before going into the pool; I was kneeling down to talk to her when she thrust upwards, splitting my lip with her hard head. She was crying as my teeth likely hit her scalp and I was h...

On January 25th, I went to pick up the LO at daycare and was met with 2 very concerned educators at the door. My daughter had just run into a wall, nose first, leaving a red and blue mark across the bridge of her nose and under her left eye and had a little bit of a nose bleed. She was upset, crying hysterically, but otherwise she was fine. About a week later, I noticed that her left eye was turning inwards. She was very tired at the time, but this was new... and worrisome. Was it the accident that caused this? See, when I was her age, I was convinced that I could fly. I leaped off the top of the stairs and quickly discovered that, in fact, I could NOT fly. I landed face first on the paved driveway, and subsequently wound up with horribly crossed eyes a few days later. We don't really know if the impact caused the crossing or if it was coincidental timing but now, 36 years later, it has become evident that my daughter is possibly facing a similar fate. Because it continued to...

So, the first day of dance class was… kind of a disaster! We received no emails or other forms of communication from the time we signed up until the first class, which is poor customer service in my opinion. A friendly reminder of when classes begin and a welcome message to the new dancers would have been nice; friendly. And, their website is under construction (and has been for months) so there was nothing to see there either. I couldn’t remember if classes began at 9am or if I had told myself to get there early for a 9:15am class. I looked on Google and saw that the school opened at 8am so I decided to arrive for 8:45am just to be on the safe side. At worst, if we were super early, we would just check out the place. I raced from the car in -24C weather, with a toddler in my arms and both of us wearing leggings (good call mom), to a locked door... fantastic! I saw a doorbell so I took my chances and the owner came to open it. I felt slightly barked at for ringing, so I reminded he...