Heartbeat Hugs

I think by now every parent has seen the viral, and powerful, video of the dad staying calm and patient through his toddler’s uncharacteristically bad tantrum. If you haven’t already seen it, you can find it here. Closer to the end, you see the child simply sitting in her father’s arms with her head on his chest, melting into calmness, in what is commonly referred to as the Heartbeat Hug. The idea behind this hug is to provide a sense of security, to reinforce that you are always a safe place for your child to fall, and to soothe them by synchronizing your heartbeats and breathing together. Clearly you, the parent, need to be calm as well for this to work!

The thing about the Heartbeat Hug is that it is not limited to tantrums. This last week alone we have used the hug three times, not because of an emotional outburst but rather an inability to communicate. She has something she wants to say but struggles to find the words; you see that she is overcome with an emotion that she can’t let out because she simply isn’t capable of identifying it. You ask her to tell you what’s going on, you offer to help, and she simply stonewalls. Eventually, she just sits and stares at you, intensely, and in that moment I always ask her the simple question, “Do you want a hug?”, and 9 times out of 10 she walks into your arms and just burrows into your chest for a minute or two. When she’s done, she just looks up, smiles at you, and goes back to life like nothing happened. I often ask her if she wants to talk about what happened, just to let her know that I am willing to listen, but she usually says that she doesn’t know what to say – and that’s OK.

My mother was often criticized, told that I was too adult because I was raised around too many adults. The truth is that I grew up too fast because I didn’t have a choice living in an abusive household. I wasn’t acting grown up – I was in survival mode. But with my daughter, it’s completely different, and it’s intentional. I treat her the way I hoped to have been treated, and the way that I expect to be treated here and now. Over the years, especially since having her, I have tried to surround myself solely with people who help me grow – people who nourish me, support me, heal me, care for me, respect and love me; all of virtues that I hope to instill in her.

If she has big emotions, my job is to help her self-regulate and find her coping mechanisms, not to scold her and add fuel to her inner turmoil. I want her to learn this as early as possible, because it’s something I didn’t learn until far too late. And if all it takes is a is a secure, loving, Heartbeat Hug, to help her diffuse then there are no complaints here!