I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

In June of 2017, after running Creating My Monster for a decade, I wrote my first “Last Post” to close that lengthy chapter of my life, the end of an era! At the time my daughter was 1.5 years old, and I felt that her story, and mine, needed a fresh start. And, so became I Am – Because You Are. But, with that said, it is no longer up to me to share her story. While lovingly referred to all this time as my LO (little one), she is no longer little. At 6 years old, she has very strong opinions, she already tells me what I can and cannot share with others (especially when it comes to her photo), and she has an absolute right to privacy. I protect her on all other social media platforms and, starting now, I will do the same here. While the audience for IABYA is far less than CMM’s, mainly because it is no longer affiliated with any blogging communities and I rarely promote products or apply for partnerships anymore, it does reach wider than I am comfortable with. I have shared less and les...

On this day, 6 years ago, I never thought that I could love my baby girl more than I did that very first moment that she was in my arms. But with every day that passes, my love for her continues to grow, endlessly.  Her smile is infectious, her laugh is contagious, her love is unconditional, and she wears her heart on her sleeve. She is strong, independent, brave, and beautiful - both inside and out. She is my heart, my soul, my sun, my moon, and all of my stars. She is my world and she will always be the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love you with all my heart. Happy 6th birthday. 

With her 6th birthday just around the corner, and her first ever report card expected tonight, I have been thinking a lot about what comes next. Daycare was a bubble, it was safe, familiar, and protective. It gave us everything we needed when we needed it the most. And while our transition to kindergarten has not been seamless, it has been far better than I had originally anticipated.  So, clearly, she’s a big kid now; it’s time for change and she is more than ready for the challenge. I need to encourage her to try new things, allow her to discover whether she can step out of her comfort zone and learn to overcome her fears and uncertainties. I need to take a step back and let her learn to solve more problems on her own, let her experiment and let her learn from her mistakes. I need her to know that, even though she might not like it, failure IS an option and it's completely normal and one of the best ways to learn. I want to build her self confidence and self-esteem, make her beli...

An unexpected email, with 2 very simple questions: What’s been your biggest win of the back-to-school season? What’s your biggest struggle? Let’s start with the first since it’s an easy one. She loves school! She loves taking the bus to school. She loves going to daycare after school. She loves the Breakfast Club. She loves the hot lunches. She loves her teacher. She loved her first Ped Day. Honestly, there isn’t one thing about the whole school experience that I would say she doesn’t love, except that she never gets homework so she sometimes gives some to herself – but that will wear off quickly once she hits Grade 1 I’m sure! SO, all in all, it’s a huge win! However, as the parent, I do see an emerging struggle that she is blissfully unaware of for the time being. And so, advocating for my child has taken precedence once again. There is no such thing as a “bad kid” - just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings & needs the only way they know...

We have had an eventful few days, and even more for the week to come. Last Friday the LO had an emotional goodbye with one of the girls who works at daycare. It seems like they had bonded in a short amount of time, and after hearing that this girl would be leaving for school herself, our LO was overcome with emotions. She internalizes first, while processing, and either resolves it on her own or bursts. This time she burst, and she kept repeating that the girl "really likes her" and asking "why is she leaving for school" over and over again. The thing is, while she has bonded with her over the last couple of months, it's nothing in comparison to the attachment she has with her teacher. They met when she was only 3 months old, she's spent time with her on and off throughout her years at daycare, but has actually been in her class for the last 2 years! While her emotions were genuine, I don't feel as though they were truly attached to that particular girl ...

 

Expansion, by Paige Bradley The Story of Expansion – PAIGE BRADLEY To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it’s not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It’s our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. – Heidi Priebe  

When I want to chat, I text - a lot. When I want to talk, I call and sometimes talk for hours. When I want to go out somewhere, I invite someone along for company. When there is something to celebrate. we get together and celebrate! This is who I am. I am social and I crave interaction. I spend quality time with people that I love! But not everyone is like me. Some are the complete opposite so I try to slow my roll. I remind myself that not everyone is “available”. I can text, but they won’t answer. I could call, but if they answer I’d feel like I would be interrupting. I’d offer to hang out, but the answer would almost always be no. And as for a celebration? Well – Covid has that covered for now! A few in my life are the latter. One who I live with. A couple who I cannot see myself living without. Disappearing for months, resurfacing like no time has passed. Only available once in a blue moon, and even then. Never part of a crowd, sometimes one-on-one, but usually not. It’...

I think by now every parent has seen the viral, and powerful, video of the dad staying calm and patient through his toddler’s uncharacteristically bad tantrum. If you haven’t already seen it, you can find it here . Closer to the end, you see the child simply sitting in her father’s arms with her head on his chest, melting into calmness, in what is commonly referred to as the Heartbeat Hug. The idea behind this hug is to provide a sense of security, to reinforce that you are always a safe place for your child to fall, and to soothe them by synchronizing your heartbeats and breathing together. Clearly you, the parent, need to be calm as well for this to work! The thing about the Heartbeat Hug is that it is not limited to tantrums. This last week alone we have used the hug three times, not because of an emotional outburst but rather an inability to communicate. She has something she wants to say but struggles to find the words; you see that she is overcome with an emotion that she can’t l...

 

mis·con·strue (verb) /ˌmiskənˈstro͞o/ to interpret (something, especially a person's words or actions) wrongly. I've come to the realization that there are some people I simply cannot have face to face conversations with right now, and not because of Covid! It may sound strange, but I simply don’t feel comfortable with the immediacy that some people bring out and/or require when having a discussion. I become overwhelmed which leads to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and often times disappointment and disagreements that could have been avoided altogether. I need time to process what I hear and mull things over a bit before I can accurately comment or respond, and some people simply don't allow for that so I need to learn to make the space for it myself. Not to mention, that a handful of people just know how to push my buttons harder than others, and I really don’t need that right now! Conversely, there are a few people that I could talk to for hours, effortlessly, whe...

Never in my adult life did I ever experience "fat shaming", at least not to my face. But the "skinny-shaming" is out of control!  While I spent years eating my emotions, nobody sat there asking "Are you going to keep gaining?", "How much more are you going to gain?", "Shouldn't you eat less?", "Don't you want to look good?" over and over again. But now that I've lost so much its like a constant barrage of "Are you done losing yet?", "How much more are you trying to lose?", "Shouldn't you eat more?", "Aren't you happy with the way you look now?" over and over again! I'm not saying I should have been fat-shamed, but maybe people should have been more concerned when I was unhealthy than they are now that I'm on the right track! And I get that when someone sees me for the first time in a year (especially those that don't know I had surgery) there is bound to b...

The lucky ones don't even know what this is a picture of. But to me, 6 years ago today, this was all my hopes and dreams captured in one grainy image. And I am so glad we took a minute to capture it, because this is who keeps my heart beating.  Every. Single. Day.  You keep me safe, I'll keep you wild.

I’ve read many books, on so many things, but I had basically avoided reading anything on BPD until recently. I finally decided if I was going to spend my time reading up on other people’s “stuff”, then maybe I should spend some time reading up on my own afflictions. But I didn’t want something clinical; very few people in my life truly understand what goes on inside my head, including myself, so I wanted to find others who I could relate to and who could possibly help me figure things out. I did a little research on which books might fit my needs and the first one I picked up did not disappoint! In fact, I devoured it in 2 short evenings because I could not put it down. "I'm Telling the Truth, But I'm Lying" by Bassey IkpiI was so on point, I feel like she was writing about me through half of this book! “I need to prove to you that I didn’t enter the world broken. I… had experiences that turned me into these fragmented sentences… I didn’t just show up as a life alrea...

As much as I love the modern-day Disney movies, there is something about the classics that still capture me. Recently, in need of a nostalgic pick-me-up, I decided to sit down and watch the original Alice in Wonderland with mini-me; the animated one, not the one with real people and the creepy Jabberwocky (although that's my favorite). Ever since, without even hearing it, I’ve had the song White Rabbit (Jefferson Airplane) stuck in my head. Which, I guess makes sense these days, because I’ve been feeling a bit like Alice; falling down a well and ending up trapped in hallway filled with magical bottles labeled “eat me” and “drink me” with little known about what they will do. I am speaking, of course, about my meds.  In my case, one which makes me feel happy and optimistic, but at the risk of feeling indestructible. Another to shutdown the open tabs in my brain so that I can get a decent night’s sleep, when it works. And the newest one, the moderator of those above and the “stable...

For everyone else, today is Valentine’s Day (which was never my cup of tea), but for me it will forever be known as VSG Day (vertical sleeve gastrectomy). And, today is my one-year anniversary! A year ago, I made a goal weight for myself of 165lbs. This is what I weighed 20yrs prior and the last time I remembered feeling remotely comfortable in my own skin. At the time, it didn’t seem at all feasible, but within the last 4 weeks I have met that goal! Now that I am here, I admit that I would like to lose another 10-15lbs, but I am not going to kill myself to get there. And, ironically, while I have hit my goal weight and feel healthier than I have in years, it is the physical skin that is now bothering me more than anything. I truly believe that being home for the last year has made reaching my goals possible. Don’t get me wrong, I am getting really fed up of this working remotely bullshit and there are a few people I would love to see on a more regular basis again, but it has been mos...