When she was good, she was very, very good…
An unexpected email, with 2 very simple questions:
However, as the parent, I do see an emerging struggle that she is blissfully unaware of for the time being. And so, advocating for my child has taken precedence once again.
She has more empathy and compassion in her little finger than I could ever come to know. She helps so much, she trusts so much, she gives so much, she loves so much, she cares so much… and I am so afraid that she will also hurt that much as a result.
She doesn’t fully allow a friendship to grow on its own. She feels the need to ask someone if it would OK to be friends, as though she would be insulting them if she just assumed they were. If they accept, then she is happy, but if they reject her, she comes home asking why, as though something is wrong with her.
Last week a boy pushed her at the bottom of the staircase. After many, many, questions she basically summarized that he pushed her, she didn’t report it because the teacher saw him do it, and he was pulled aside and spoken to immediately. She then went on to questions whether or not he was going to get in trouble rather than being concerned for her own safety!
Another day last week a girl was harassing her by lifting up the back of her shirt, poking at her and saying a word I haven’t yet identified as either French or English. She repeatedly asked her to stop, and the girl finally did, but then when the teacher was about to move on to the next subject, she started up again. When I asked her why she didn’t raise her hand or say anything about it, she said that the teacher was getting ready to read a story and she didn’t want to interrupt her. A kid is physically pulling up your shirt and poking at you in a way you do not like, interrupt your teacher! Please!
In between those 2 events, she also had an uncharacteristically bad morning at home. She was quiet, but visibly angry about something. I tried talking to her on the way to the bus and while we were waiting, partially because I was worried something was happening ON the bus, but she wouldn’t crack. I even offered for her to stay home for the day if she needed it and got no response. Finally, when she saw that I was getting upset, she burst into tears so badly that I had to carry her all the way home. All the while, she was looking at me to make sure that I was ok! After sitting at home for 5 minutes, once she realized that I was more confused than upset at this point, she got off my lap and asked me to drive her so that she wouldn’t be late for school. She was her regular self in the car so I asked her to tell me what had happened earlier, and all she could tell me was that she was crying because I was upset. Yes, I get that, but what happened with YOU beforehand that made ME upset?
While she’s always had incredibly big, deep, and mature emotions, she has always internalized them. She seemingly self-regulates better than most adults, but I am starting to wonder if she is truly resolving issues on her own or simply burying them because she doesn’t have the ability, for one reason or another, to express them.
- What’s been your biggest win of the back-to-school season?
- What’s your biggest struggle?
However, as the parent, I do see an emerging struggle that she is blissfully unaware of for the time being. And so, advocating for my child has taken precedence once again.
There is no such thing as a “bad kid” - just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings & needs the only way they know how. We owe it to every single one of them to always remember that. – Dr. Jessica StephensRight, so there are no “bad kids”, got it. But, only one month into school, and I am quickly learning that there can be such thing as a kid who is "too good". And, at the moment, it’s my kid. Not something you would normally hear a parent complain about, right?
She has more empathy and compassion in her little finger than I could ever come to know. She helps so much, she trusts so much, she gives so much, she loves so much, she cares so much… and I am so afraid that she will also hurt that much as a result.
She doesn’t fully allow a friendship to grow on its own. She feels the need to ask someone if it would OK to be friends, as though she would be insulting them if she just assumed they were. If they accept, then she is happy, but if they reject her, she comes home asking why, as though something is wrong with her.
Last week a boy pushed her at the bottom of the staircase. After many, many, questions she basically summarized that he pushed her, she didn’t report it because the teacher saw him do it, and he was pulled aside and spoken to immediately. She then went on to questions whether or not he was going to get in trouble rather than being concerned for her own safety!
Another day last week a girl was harassing her by lifting up the back of her shirt, poking at her and saying a word I haven’t yet identified as either French or English. She repeatedly asked her to stop, and the girl finally did, but then when the teacher was about to move on to the next subject, she started up again. When I asked her why she didn’t raise her hand or say anything about it, she said that the teacher was getting ready to read a story and she didn’t want to interrupt her. A kid is physically pulling up your shirt and poking at you in a way you do not like, interrupt your teacher! Please!
In between those 2 events, she also had an uncharacteristically bad morning at home. She was quiet, but visibly angry about something. I tried talking to her on the way to the bus and while we were waiting, partially because I was worried something was happening ON the bus, but she wouldn’t crack. I even offered for her to stay home for the day if she needed it and got no response. Finally, when she saw that I was getting upset, she burst into tears so badly that I had to carry her all the way home. All the while, she was looking at me to make sure that I was ok! After sitting at home for 5 minutes, once she realized that I was more confused than upset at this point, she got off my lap and asked me to drive her so that she wouldn’t be late for school. She was her regular self in the car so I asked her to tell me what had happened earlier, and all she could tell me was that she was crying because I was upset. Yes, I get that, but what happened with YOU beforehand that made ME upset?
While she’s always had incredibly big, deep, and mature emotions, she has always internalized them. She seemingly self-regulates better than most adults, but I am starting to wonder if she is truly resolving issues on her own or simply burying them because she doesn’t have the ability, for one reason or another, to express them.
"Children don't know how to ask for what they don't know they need. Their asking comes in the form of behavior." - Bonnie Harris, parenting coach.
I have been asked countless times by a number of people if we could clone her, and in infinite ways I truly wish that I could. But right now, I have had to ask the school to intervene and use the resources I have available to me to teach her the difference between being passive, being aggressive and being assertive. To speak up for herself. To reach out to a responsible adult when she needs help, even if it means interrupting them. To defend herself. To establish appropriate boundaries, both physically and emotionally. And so much more.
What was once applauded and admired in daycare, has now become somewhat worrying as a parent, and I am thankful to have resources like this available in her school (and even more grateful that I know the specialist on a personal level as well – and he is wonderful).
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