I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

After 45 days in lockdown/quarantine/work-from-home-and-parent-hell due to Covid-19, last Monday our government announced their tentative plan to reopen schools in the coming weeks; more specifically, daycares and primary schools only – which means us. No one will be forced to send their children back to school or daycare, at least not until September depending on how things go. The government will even continue paying our daycare fees through August if we choose to keep our LO home, which is fantastic! But, at what cost to us? Let the debates, mom shaming, judgment and guilt begin! Within minutes of the announcement, one of my Facebook mom groups made a post saying that this is a choice parents must make, in order to do what’s best for their families and their individual situations, and they expect others to be respectful of everyone’s choices. Well, that lasted all of 2 minutes before people started commenting on what horrible parents you are if you are even considering sending...

Her name is Christy Quinn Marshall and her recent Facebook post is going viral through mom tribes all around me because it's the most honest, open and raw summary of all our lives right now; spelling mistakes and all! Christy, thank you!  I’m angry. I feel like things never stop piling up. The laundry. The housework. The forms, homework and fundraisers. The bellies that need fed. My ever growing team needs (and deserves!) a solid and powerful leader.  Pressure! Everywhere! The dog needs walked. The van needs cleaned. The friendships need watered. My inbox blows up. Texts that don’t get a text back. The rules on life can be so burdensome. Don’t give them red dye or too much screen time. Keep them away from this app and that site. Make sure they never forget their folder or lunchbox. Get them to this place on time. Remember what color jersey for the game. Oh and tend to your marriage because that ish will completely fall apart the moment you do not. ...

So here's the thing about anxiety, and depression, it doesn't take a look at your schedule and find a place to fit itself in. It shows up when and where it wants to and manifests itself however it chooses to. It doesn't ask you which combination of symptoms you prefer or who you want to lash out at today, it just acts. It manipulates you. It plays on your fears, your doubts and your worries. Everything is what-if and worst case scenario. On the right dose, my medication kept things manageable. Well, not quite. On the right dose, I was numb; I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. But maybe that's what I needed. In fact, it's what I need right now! What worked a year ago seems less effective this year. Day by day, it is ruining my ability to fall asleep at night, which in turn is killing my concentration during the day. I worry about everything and my mind never relaxes. Even my dreams don't stop when I finally do fall asleep at night. I am constantly questio...

Like clockwork, as the summer days began to fade away, something inexplicable came over me and I felt like I was unraveling again. A feeling that I have felt countless times before, but it wasn’t until last fall that I even knew what it was, medically speaking. In addition to the already known Generalized Anxiety Disorder that took over my life soon after giving birth, I was finally diagnosed with Season Affective Disorder (SAD). I suppose that I should be grateful that I finally have a name for what has plagued me and only gotten worse with age, but it’s so ambiguous; it’s not something that you can see, touch, or even fully explain to another human being really which can be extremely frustrating. SAD has been quite easy to manage on the right dosage of meds, but it’s like walking a tightrope when they are the slightest bit off. I weaned down over summer (instead of completely off like I did last year - big mistake) and was told to be sure that I was back up to my full dose befo...

I thought we had a dozen or so more years before we had to deal with our LO’s first heartbreak over a boy, but it has already begun! And, to be honest, I’m a little heartbroken for her too! The girls have always been outnumbered by the boys at daycare, but rather than stick with them she has always chosen to be one of the boys. And, in the last few months, she has been partial to one in particular… “My N”. She looks for him in the morning, makes sure to say good-bye to him 100 times before we leave and has even run out into the field area to pick dandelions and rocks for him before getting into the car to go home (because, clearly, that is love). And he is a sweetheart as well, running right up to her in the morning, sharing his cars with her and often shouting good-bye repeatedly from the playground as we walk away. They share a birthday month and really are the best of friends, with another little boy as their sidekick (otherwise known as the third wheel). A couple of weeks ago whe...

I never thought I would be referring to this, but you know that scene, from Family Guy? Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Lois Griffin: WHAT?! Stewie Griffin: Hi. [Runs off giggling] That scene used to be hilarious for me… until it became my everyday life. And I am not even referring to being a mom! Lately I feel like too many people have become overly dependent on me, both in my personal life and at the office. And, as their needs grow exponentially I am plain and simply becoming tapped out! I have needs too! And right now I honestly just need to NOT be needed for a while! Without getting into depth about my job, let’s just say that I am part of a team of people who support thousands of clients every day, and approximately 1300 of them are more specifically assigned to me. And, the majority of these clients are “Millennials”... a generatio...

Lately, I often find myself referring to my life as “before baby”, “on mat leave” and “after mat leave”, almost like quantified eras of time. Because, to me, they are just that; long and distinct periods of MY history with a particular feature or characteristic. I suppose “before baby” could be further broken down into countless subdivisions, but those are other stories for another time! I bring this up because I feel as though a new era is on the horizon; an era of change. Because, I understand now that the greatest gift I can give myself (and my daughter) is to let go of other people’s expectations of me and set my own goals, limits and expectations for myself – in other words, no one else gets to tell me who I can, and cannot, be. "As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and ar...

On January 25th, I went to pick up the LO at daycare and was met with 2 very concerned educators at the door. My daughter had just run into a wall, nose first, leaving a red and blue mark across the bridge of her nose and under her left eye and had a little bit of a nose bleed. She was upset, crying hysterically, but otherwise she was fine. About a week later, I noticed that her left eye was turning inwards. She was very tired at the time, but this was new... and worrisome. Was it the accident that caused this? See, when I was her age, I was convinced that I could fly. I leaped off the top of the stairs and quickly discovered that, in fact, I could NOT fly. I landed face first on the paved driveway, and subsequently wound up with horribly crossed eyes a few days later. We don't really know if the impact caused the crossing or if it was coincidental timing but now, 36 years later, it has become evident that my daughter is possibly facing a similar fate. Because it continued to...

The cheque just cleared so it's official, I am a Dance Mom! The minute I found out we were having a girl I swore I would never register her for dance classes. I was involved in ballet for 10 years and, looking back, it wasn’t the greatest experience. It wasn’t horrible, but I wanted something else, something more team oriented perhaps. Flash forward to having a 2 year old and no classes that interested me are available at this age besides swimming and gymnastics… and a tiny-tots dance class. Ugh, fine! I am already familiar with the dance school themselves as they have been around forever. I find them a bit pretentious, but not only was it one of the limited activities available but this was the only school that would allow her to start so young. A good friend actually went to them when she was younger and did have a good experience so she signed up with us and we will be doing the class together, with our toddlers. Yes, you read that right, it’s more of a Mom-and-Tots clas...

As soon as I knew we were having a little girl, I dreaded one particular toy market we were headed towards in the future… dolls! I had over 100 Barbie dolls growing up myself, with all the accessories, and now that I am on the other side of the purchasing I understand the 1000 other times I was simply told NO! Dolls in general, Barbie or not, seem to have two prices – falling apart cheap and over the top pricy! But through my research I found that there are a select few manufacturers that are priced affordably, right in the middle, and the dolls themselves really appealed to me; namely Sears Canada’s Newberry Doll. I figured in a few years I would go out to the Department Store and let her choose her very own, hoping she didn’t discover the difference between these dolls and their pricier counterparts. And then Sears announced bankruptcy! Damnit! I went online and found a couple of dolls that I liked the most and raced to Sears as soon as liquidations started. Of course, tons o...

Today my home becomes a warehouse to boxes of mason jars filled with love, aka cooking and baking ingredients. These jars are part of a fundraiser I decided to launch in order to help my BFF raise funds for her sons custom wheelchair. Overall I didn't sell as many as I had hoped, but still far more than I had expected... if that makes sense. Mostly co-workers purchased them as they make great gifts, which is actually how this all came about to begin with! I was looking for affordable Christmas gifts for daycare and that was when I found Recettes en Pot (Recipes in Jars). I need gifts for 10 teachers this year so costs add up quickly! Add a couple extra for home, some for co-workers and my order alone became 20 jars! They are only 10$ each, and half of that goes directly to the fund so it was a no-brainer. I could have supported another local cause of my choosing, as they are all listed on the website, but I decided to contact the company to start my own campaign...

I suppose the majority of my CMM readers have always been those close to my journey TTC, personally or following a similar path, but my goal with IABYA is to be a bit more broad in scope and reach a larger audience. I am not looking to take over the world wide web and become an empire, just a little slice! I will continue to keep this as a personal journal of sorts, but I also hope to share guest posts and curated content as well ( in other words - if you have something to say... please message me, I want to hear from you ). There is so much information out there regarding our health, parenting, relationships and anything else you can think of, but sometimes a story jumps out at me and I just feel like it is something I need to share! So, I will try and post a list of interesting reads from time to time alongside my own story. Some may be correlated or intertwined, others may just be an interesting read. I may even dig something up from my old blog! Being a new mom as well as a...