Anxiety is a bitch!
So here's the thing about anxiety, and depression, it doesn't take a look at your schedule and find a place to fit itself in. It shows up when and where it wants to and manifests itself however it chooses to. It doesn't ask you which combination of symptoms you prefer or who you want to lash out at today, it just acts. It manipulates you. It plays on your fears, your doubts and your worries. Everything is what-if and worst case scenario.
On the right dose, my medication kept things manageable. Well, not quite. On the right dose, I was numb; I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. But maybe that's what I needed. In fact, it's what I need right now!
What worked a year ago seems less effective this year. Day by day, it is ruining my ability to fall asleep at night, which in turn is killing my concentration during the day. I worry about everything and my mind never relaxes. Even my dreams don't stop when I finally do fall asleep at night. I am constantly questioning my decisions. I am incredibly emotional and extremely sensitive to noise. I have even been trying to avoid crowds unless I am with someone I can stay close to. That doesn't work so well with public transportation and rush hour so I have been walking a lot more at least.
I have a constant dull headache, but nothing Advil can cure. I've been working with my door closed or with headphones in my ears as much as possible. I've been writing, a lot, and reading more too. Anything to stay out of my own head.
The worst part is that the only people who truly understand are those who suffer themselves. There are so many things, feelings, that I can't even begin to put into words. I don't think people quite understand how frustrating, how stressful, it is to have to try and explain how you are feeling when you don't fully comprehend it yourself.
Even odder, aside from the sleep issues, I am mostly fine at home... it all seems to hit when I leave for work after dropping off the LO at daycare! Why? I don't know!
This isn't me. It's ruining me. It's tearing everything in my world apart; my confidence, my self esteem, friendships, you name it. Yes, I've survived this before. Yes, I am stronger than I think. Yes, this will all pass... but I am exhausted from trying to be better/happier than I really feel.
On the right dose, my medication kept things manageable. Well, not quite. On the right dose, I was numb; I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. But maybe that's what I needed. In fact, it's what I need right now!
What worked a year ago seems less effective this year. Day by day, it is ruining my ability to fall asleep at night, which in turn is killing my concentration during the day. I worry about everything and my mind never relaxes. Even my dreams don't stop when I finally do fall asleep at night. I am constantly questioning my decisions. I am incredibly emotional and extremely sensitive to noise. I have even been trying to avoid crowds unless I am with someone I can stay close to. That doesn't work so well with public transportation and rush hour so I have been walking a lot more at least.
I have a constant dull headache, but nothing Advil can cure. I've been working with my door closed or with headphones in my ears as much as possible. I've been writing, a lot, and reading more too. Anything to stay out of my own head.
The worst part is that the only people who truly understand are those who suffer themselves. There are so many things, feelings, that I can't even begin to put into words. I don't think people quite understand how frustrating, how stressful, it is to have to try and explain how you are feeling when you don't fully comprehend it yourself.
Even odder, aside from the sleep issues, I am mostly fine at home... it all seems to hit when I leave for work after dropping off the LO at daycare! Why? I don't know!
This isn't me. It's ruining me. It's tearing everything in my world apart; my confidence, my self esteem, friendships, you name it. Yes, I've survived this before. Yes, I am stronger than I think. Yes, this will all pass... but I am exhausted from trying to be better/happier than I really feel.
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