But when she was bad, she was horrid...

1965 Dean's Gift Book of Nursery Rhymes,
illustrated by Janet & Anne Grahame Johnstone

I remember hearing my Nana recite this this nursery rhyme when I was growing up. I don’t think she was specifically implying that it reminded her of me, but now that I am older, I am beginning to wonder. Specifically, the part that says “When she was good, She was very, very good, But when she was bad, she was horrid”.

I’m not going to lie, it has been a rough month and a half or so. I would say that this is the longest struggle I have ever had with anxiety and depression while medicated! About 10 days ago, I wrote that I thought I had everything under control and that I believed the worst of the storm had passed… but, wow, was I ever wrong!

Earlier this week my moods were changing rapidly, with no clear reason as to why, and I want to say worse than I have ever experienced in recent years. On Wednesday, I simply couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped. Long story short, I was at work when this happened and was very grateful to have a couple of people intervene; my boss and a friend that I trust with all my heart. I had already booked an appointment with my GP for later this week, but with their help I was able to get an appointment with him the following day.

We discussed what has been happening, went through my immediate options and possibilities for the future, and then he prescribed me a second anxiety medication to hopefully curb the crazy! Yes, I said it! The only issue I have with it is that it’s a take as needed type of prescription, which involves a period of trial and error. Fantastic! No quick fix, huh?

I took a higher-level dose that first night as instructed and, whether it was the medication or pure post-anxiety-attack exhaustion, I slept better than I had in weeks! On Friday I took half a dose in the morning and afternoon as suggested and had a pretty good day, with little to no anxiety or side effects. I even looked back over things that I had said or done in the last month and asked myself what the hell I was thinking! Well, clearly I wasn't thinking, not like myself anyway, and that's the problem.

So, Friday night, I took a half dose instead full followed by another half dose when I woke up. And then when I was getting ready to go out, it hit me all over again. It was eerily like what happened a year ago when my LO had a meltdown in Wal-Mart. As she broke down, I distinctly remember looking around us and realizing how overwhelmed she must have been by all the people, sounds, colors and movement zooming around us. Sensory overload was the first thing that sprung to mind, and I didn’t hesitate to leave my cart in the middle of the aisle and race her out to the car to let her calm down and cry it out in a quiet, safe and secure place - strapped into her car seat of course.

Well, today that was me, only I hadn't even left the house yet! I've been dealing with my own sensory overload issue this past couple of weeks and just the thought of shopping brought me to tears and my chest tightened with every breath.

I cried it out, had DH get me the other half of that mornings pill, got an awesome hug from my LO and threw myself into the shower determined to leave the house. I decided to go by myself in case I had another attack and the whole way there I felt like an idiot! I do the same trip every single week! Nothing was different about the trip, it was all in my head. Again! And, in the end, it was fine for the most part. I mean, not 100% but I did OK and didn’t lose it at least. In fact, the rest of the day was fine as well so that's good!

I have decided to take a full dose again every night until next Friday. If that’s what it takes to get off of this crazy train then so be it. I also don't have the same outlets that I once had and I need to find a new one. I haven’t smoked or drank since 2013 and with the recent lifestyle changes I’ve made I am not about to binge eat my way through a bunch of junk food either (OK, so I might have had some ice cream AND chips tonight - bite me). I have also been horribly uninspired artistically in recent months and I don't even know if any of my art supplies are good anymore, they have probably all dried up. All positive changes, except for the lack of creativity, but i need a new hobby/distraction/outlet. I have been reading when I can focus for more than 5 minutes but mostly just losing my thoughts in Netflix these days. It’s OK for now, but there has got to be something better.

Tomorrow is a new day... hopefully with no anxiety in sight!