Life, interrupted (again)...
Like clockwork, as the summer days began to fade away, something inexplicable came over me and I felt like I was unraveling again. A feeling that I have felt countless times before, but it wasn’t until last fall that I even knew what it was, medically speaking.
In addition to the already known Generalized Anxiety Disorder that took over my life soon after giving birth, I was finally diagnosed with Season Affective Disorder (SAD). I suppose that I should be grateful that I finally have a name for what has plagued me and only gotten worse with age, but it’s so ambiguous; it’s not something that you can see, touch, or even fully explain to another human being really which can be extremely frustrating.
SAD has been quite easy to manage on the right dosage of meds, but it’s like walking a tightrope when they are the slightest bit off. I weaned down over summer (instead of completely off like I did last year - big mistake) and was told to be sure that I was back up to my full dose before the “September Blues” kicked in. And, I did increase it, only I gravely misjudged the time I needed for it to take effect and I was far too late! What I thought would kick in over a few days has now taken a couple of weeks to balance out, and it all happened after the eye of the storm hit.
Note to self: increase sooner next year!
Depression, insomnia, over analyzing, mood swings, heightened anxiety, lack of confidence, paranoia, and just generally lashing out are all my telltale signs. This usually occurs at the end of summer and, if I’m being honest, towards the holidays as well. It’s unfortunate, but SAD is not like a switch that you can just turn on and off again. Nor does it give you any warning of its arrival! Sometimes it makes me want to scream into a pillow and cry in the shower, other times I just want to sit alone in peace and quiet and listen to the sound of my own heart beating. There is no right answer, it will pass, it just takes time. Even now, a couple of weeks have passed since the worst of it, but with the back to school madness I just can’t tolerate chaos, crowded spaces and loud noises around me right now. Even dinner at my in-laws was a bit much for me tonight with 3 girls running around screaming and everyone else all trying to talk louder than the other just to be heard. I spent a good amount of time texting with a friend while trying to tune out the noise – because she understood that that’s what I needed in that moment.
And I have to say, that while I appreciate that those closest to me have accepted me the way that I am, I do admit that it has made maintaining some relationships – difficult. When I am not myself, I can create issues when there are none. My anxiety, mainly the irrational fears that come with it, cause me to lash out for no good reason. I say and do things that are uncharacteristic. I can get lost in my own thoughts and so consumed with what I think I need in the moment that I can be selfish. I get stuck, my mind racing about all the worst possible outcomes all at once. I know that I’m doing it, and I know what I need to do to stop… I’m just not always able to right then and there.
I should “disappear” for a bit; take a walk, breathe, focus on reality and check back in. And I usually will, but sometimes I am just afraid to be alone with myself. I remember times where I would spend my lunch hour in a friend’s office reading while she worked next to me, just so that I wasn’t alone. Or going over to another friend’s house knowing that I would probably end up falling asleep on their sofa because I finally felt safe enough to close my eyes. Or calling up another friend to walk aimlessly through our neighborhood just to pass the time, talk it out and ground myself.
And when I am unable to get out of my own head… I mess up. I let the anxiety take over and I lash out at the ones I love. The very same people I should feel most comfortable going to for help, are the ones that I also seem to feel most comfortable verbally attacking, pushing away, accusing and so on. This happens, more often than not, when something triggers me – no matter how small – and often because I am at my wits end, I am tired and I am discouraged. And once I realize that the damage has been done, once I recognize my mistakes, I do take ownership and try my hardest to fix things. But, SAD and anxiety are not an excuse to hurt the ones you love, and it certainly doesn’t help if you expect them to stay by your side!
So, hopefully the worst of this storm has passed, and my life can get back to normal now. I have made amends with those I may have hurt this time and I am trying to learn from the mistakes I made this past month so that I can avoid them in the future. For years my circle of friends, my mom-tribe and my village have been getting smaller but each and every person has become more and more important to me. The last thing I want to do is break those bonds now.
Back to life, back to reality!
In addition to the already known Generalized Anxiety Disorder that took over my life soon after giving birth, I was finally diagnosed with Season Affective Disorder (SAD). I suppose that I should be grateful that I finally have a name for what has plagued me and only gotten worse with age, but it’s so ambiguous; it’s not something that you can see, touch, or even fully explain to another human being really which can be extremely frustrating.
SAD has been quite easy to manage on the right dosage of meds, but it’s like walking a tightrope when they are the slightest bit off. I weaned down over summer (instead of completely off like I did last year - big mistake) and was told to be sure that I was back up to my full dose before the “September Blues” kicked in. And, I did increase it, only I gravely misjudged the time I needed for it to take effect and I was far too late! What I thought would kick in over a few days has now taken a couple of weeks to balance out, and it all happened after the eye of the storm hit.
Note to self: increase sooner next year!
Depression, insomnia, over analyzing, mood swings, heightened anxiety, lack of confidence, paranoia, and just generally lashing out are all my telltale signs. This usually occurs at the end of summer and, if I’m being honest, towards the holidays as well. It’s unfortunate, but SAD is not like a switch that you can just turn on and off again. Nor does it give you any warning of its arrival! Sometimes it makes me want to scream into a pillow and cry in the shower, other times I just want to sit alone in peace and quiet and listen to the sound of my own heart beating. There is no right answer, it will pass, it just takes time. Even now, a couple of weeks have passed since the worst of it, but with the back to school madness I just can’t tolerate chaos, crowded spaces and loud noises around me right now. Even dinner at my in-laws was a bit much for me tonight with 3 girls running around screaming and everyone else all trying to talk louder than the other just to be heard. I spent a good amount of time texting with a friend while trying to tune out the noise – because she understood that that’s what I needed in that moment.
And I have to say, that while I appreciate that those closest to me have accepted me the way that I am, I do admit that it has made maintaining some relationships – difficult. When I am not myself, I can create issues when there are none. My anxiety, mainly the irrational fears that come with it, cause me to lash out for no good reason. I say and do things that are uncharacteristic. I can get lost in my own thoughts and so consumed with what I think I need in the moment that I can be selfish. I get stuck, my mind racing about all the worst possible outcomes all at once. I know that I’m doing it, and I know what I need to do to stop… I’m just not always able to right then and there.
I should “disappear” for a bit; take a walk, breathe, focus on reality and check back in. And I usually will, but sometimes I am just afraid to be alone with myself. I remember times where I would spend my lunch hour in a friend’s office reading while she worked next to me, just so that I wasn’t alone. Or going over to another friend’s house knowing that I would probably end up falling asleep on their sofa because I finally felt safe enough to close my eyes. Or calling up another friend to walk aimlessly through our neighborhood just to pass the time, talk it out and ground myself.
And when I am unable to get out of my own head… I mess up. I let the anxiety take over and I lash out at the ones I love. The very same people I should feel most comfortable going to for help, are the ones that I also seem to feel most comfortable verbally attacking, pushing away, accusing and so on. This happens, more often than not, when something triggers me – no matter how small – and often because I am at my wits end, I am tired and I am discouraged. And once I realize that the damage has been done, once I recognize my mistakes, I do take ownership and try my hardest to fix things. But, SAD and anxiety are not an excuse to hurt the ones you love, and it certainly doesn’t help if you expect them to stay by your side!
So, hopefully the worst of this storm has passed, and my life can get back to normal now. I have made amends with those I may have hurt this time and I am trying to learn from the mistakes I made this past month so that I can avoid them in the future. For years my circle of friends, my mom-tribe and my village have been getting smaller but each and every person has become more and more important to me. The last thing I want to do is break those bonds now.
Back to life, back to reality!
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