I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

In June of 2017, after running Creating My Monster for a decade, I wrote my first “Last Post” to close that lengthy chapter of my life, the end of an era! At the time my daughter was 1.5 years old, and I felt that her story, and mine, needed a fresh start. And, so became I Am – Because You Are. But, with that said, it is no longer up to me to share her story. While lovingly referred to all this time as my LO (little one), she is no longer little. At 6 years old, she has very strong opinions, she already tells me what I can and cannot share with others (especially when it comes to her photo), and she has an absolute right to privacy. I protect her on all other social media platforms and, starting now, I will do the same here. While the audience for IABYA is far less than CMM’s, mainly because it is no longer affiliated with any blogging communities and I rarely promote products or apply for partnerships anymore, it does reach wider than I am comfortable with. I have shared less and les...

An unexpected email, with 2 very simple questions: What’s been your biggest win of the back-to-school season? What’s your biggest struggle? Let’s start with the first since it’s an easy one. She loves school! She loves taking the bus to school. She loves going to daycare after school. She loves the Breakfast Club. She loves the hot lunches. She loves her teacher. She loved her first Ped Day. Honestly, there isn’t one thing about the whole school experience that I would say she doesn’t love, except that she never gets homework so she sometimes gives some to herself – but that will wear off quickly once she hits Grade 1 I’m sure! SO, all in all, it’s a huge win! However, as the parent, I do see an emerging struggle that she is blissfully unaware of for the time being. And so, advocating for my child has taken precedence once again. There is no such thing as a “bad kid” - just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings & needs the only way they know...

 A few people have been asking me how the end of daycare and start of school went, and while I had the best of intentions to write this bit by bit over the last week and post on the weekend, my brain had other plans for us and that just didn’t happen! So, here is a synopsis of everything.  Last day of daycare While the Friday before was a whirlwind of unexplained (and possibly misplaced) emotions, the last minutes of her last day with her teacher went surprisingly well! When I got to the door, I rang the bell, but no one came so I thought maybe it hadn’t rung inside. I pressed it again and this time I heard it clearly. Still, no one. As I went to press it a 3rd time, around the corner came my smiling LO with a gift bag in her hands followed by a sobbing teacher! They shared a few more hugs before and she was finally handed over to me after I promised we would come back to visit. Barely at the car, she remembered that I came to pick her up specifically when her te...

We have had an eventful few days, and even more for the week to come. Last Friday the LO had an emotional goodbye with one of the girls who works at daycare. It seems like they had bonded in a short amount of time, and after hearing that this girl would be leaving for school herself, our LO was overcome with emotions. She internalizes first, while processing, and either resolves it on her own or bursts. This time she burst, and she kept repeating that the girl "really likes her" and asking "why is she leaving for school" over and over again. The thing is, while she has bonded with her over the last couple of months, it's nothing in comparison to the attachment she has with her teacher. They met when she was only 3 months old, she's spent time with her on and off throughout her years at daycare, but has actually been in her class for the last 2 years! While her emotions were genuine, I don't feel as though they were truly attached to that particular girl ...

Happy Birthday to me! 42 laps around the sun; some waaaaayyyy longer than others, and a few of them far too short for sure. But I made it alive and mostly in 1 piece; minus 100lbs in the last 18 months – woohoo! But now that I’m here, is this really it? "The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42" The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy , Douglas Adams I’m pretty sure the quote above has become more famous than the novel itself. I mean, how many people have heard the quote but never even read the book? And while geeks around the world have wasted years of their lives trying to put some deep, symbolic, mathematical meaning to the number, the author himself states that there is, in fact, no meaning to it at all. “It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought ‘42 will ...

I think by now every parent has seen the viral, and powerful, video of the dad staying calm and patient through his toddler’s uncharacteristically bad tantrum. If you haven’t already seen it, you can find it here . Closer to the end, you see the child simply sitting in her father’s arms with her head on his chest, melting into calmness, in what is commonly referred to as the Heartbeat Hug. The idea behind this hug is to provide a sense of security, to reinforce that you are always a safe place for your child to fall, and to soothe them by synchronizing your heartbeats and breathing together. Clearly you, the parent, need to be calm as well for this to work! The thing about the Heartbeat Hug is that it is not limited to tantrums. This last week alone we have used the hug three times, not because of an emotional outburst but rather an inability to communicate. She has something she wants to say but struggles to find the words; you see that she is overcome with an emotion that she can’t l...

Through a series of FORTUNATE events… we have been vaccinated! I have known since Sunday that I had the appointment, but I wanted the needle in my arm before saying anything, just in case! And yes, I feel a drop of guilt about it all - but this isn't an opportunity I could pass up. Our second doses are schedule for early August.

The lucky ones don't even know what this is a picture of. But to me, 6 years ago today, this was all my hopes and dreams captured in one grainy image. And I am so glad we took a minute to capture it, because this is who keeps my heart beating.  Every. Single. Day.  You keep me safe, I'll keep you wild.

So, Christmas was a little bit different this year but, I must admit, I didn’t hate it - at all! In fact, seeing my MIL on Christmas Eve and my mother/stepfather for a bit on Boxing Day made Christmas Day itself kind of enjoyable! Yeah, yeah, I am probably one of the few who prefer it this way, but I never was one to follow the crowd! So, here’s the breakdown of what we did because a couple of people have asked. Day 1 - Daycare closed. My MIL lives alone so she was exceptionally allowed to join our family bubble for a bit. We ordered Chinese food for lunch, giving us leftovers for days, and the LO opened some of her gifts to keep her entertained as well. Otherwise, a pretty quiet day. Day 2 - Christmas day! Presents first thing in the morning, of course. A walk outside, between rain showers, with some friends in the neighborhood and their dogs. And, aside from that we spent the day alone, just the 3 of us. For dinner, because I was so calm and not frazzled, I made the most amazingly p...

In some cases, the more things have changed the more they’ve stayed the same. But while many people seem to enjoy focusing on all the negatives these last (how many) months, I am always trying to find the bright side to things. And, in doing so, I have unexpectedly found several silver linings to my Covid world. Let’s start with my weight loss and overall health. I am now nearly 10 months out from surgery. A few weeks ago, I had my follow up with nursing and am happy to report that I have surpassed their expectations! The weight loss goal they set is to lose 60% of your excess weight by 12 months post-op. At only 9 months out, at the time, I had already lost 66% of my excess weight and will continue to lose until 12-18 months out. I firmly believe that I would not have been this successful had I been at work because I wouldn’t have had the discipline that I am able to have at home. Re-learning how to nourish yourself is a long process. For me, it involves reading every single label, mo...

I am not sure how this happened, but as my BFF put it, I must have blinked because our LO is not so little anymore! In just a matter of days she is turning 5 years old!!! Ok, so she thinks she is 4 going on 15 most days, but that’s just a part of who she is, and I wouldn’t change her for the world. Strong willed children become adults who change the world, as long as we can hang on for the ride and resist the temptation to “tame” the spirit out of them… She has very clear thoughts and opinions, she is fiercely independent, a leader, strong willed, curious, smart, funny, resilient, kind-hearted, creative and HAPPY. In these last couple of weeks, she has become more articulate than ever and conversing with her is always full of surprises! Now we are going to have to watch what we say around her! She is more than I ever could have asked for and everything I have always wanted all rolled up in one. If I had to weather all those storms just to get to her, then they were worth every single...

Fall is here and, once again, Mother Nature is about to show us how lovely it is to simply let things go; shed the dead weight, release the old and make way for the new. And for once I am listening, welcoming a fresh start once and for all! The older I get, the more I realize that I don't want to be around drama, conflict or stress anymore. I just want my house to feel like a home, good (for you) food on the table and to be surrounded by the company of positive, supportive, loyal and happy people. That’s it. That’s all.  The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own homes Harold B. Lee Let’s start with my immediate family. As someone who has been surrounded by dysfunctional families her whole life, my own as well as others’ experiences, I can honestly say that the whole “ blood is thicker than water ” quote people freely throw around is complete BS! Just because someone is a blood relative, does not mean that they have an innate ability to provide the lov...

Today the LO got to meet the neighbor’s new puppy for the first time and she was very excited! I knew it would go one of 2 ways; she would be afraid, or she would begin begging for one. Well, let’s just say she wasn’t afraid at all! We barely got to my car and she asked me why she can’t have a puppy. Ugh. Me: Maybe when you’re older, we can discuss it. LO: Which number older? Me: Like D's age, 16 or 17. LO: But which number am I now? ME: 4 and a half, almost 5. LO: (counting her way up to 10 out loud and on her fingers) But that’s too long! I was going through the drive thru so I thought it would distract her. LO: But why not now? I AM a big kid already! I’m growing! ME: Because, we have a cat and cats and dogs don’t like each other. LO: So we can bring the cat back to the store and get a PUPPY! Me: I’ve had her 14 years! I am not bringing her back to the store! LO: (pout) ME: Why don't we bring YOU back to the store? LO: Because I'm NOT an ANIMAL! I...

As the days in isolation have turned to weeks, and rumor is that the weeks will likely be extended to months, my anxiety has been mostly under control. Yes, I have raised one of my meds back to where it was before surgery preventatively, but I haven't felt the need for the additional tranquilizer and that's a good thing! But, surprising. I reached out to a bunch of friends around me who similarly deal with anxiety and, for the most part, we are all unbelievably calm during this storm. It's like we've been training for this our whole lives! We see everyone around us beginning to feel the way we do every day and, in a strange way, it's extremely comforting. It almost normalizes how I feel. Feeling nervous, restless or tense? Having trouble sleeping? All those nights while everyone else was sleeping fine, I had insomnia. Now everyone else has insomnia and I could sleep all day! Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety? Afraid to go out shopping, for...

“Know that we are connected in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.” Rev. Dr. Lynn Ungar I should be working right now. DH took the LO out for a few hours so that I could catch up with a few things after working full time, maintaining a household full time and parenting full time this last week amidst the pandemic. But I can’t focus. These last few days have been trying, with difficult decisions to make every day. Go to the store or shop online? Bring the LO or leave her at home? Go outside even though it’s raining or stay inside and watch TV? Work some more or play a little longer? Fight or flight? So, having to worry about what other people think or feel about my decisions is the last thing I want to stress about right now! I never was “the popular girl”, and I know that I don’t share the popular public opinion right now. But you know what? I am ok with that. Everyone has their own ways of dealing and coping with things, and right now this world is very new to all of us and no ...

Tomorrow is my first day back to work! Except that, it isn't. The world is dealing with the Covid19 "corona" Pandemic and I work in an educational institution so we have been shut down for the next 2 weeks in hopes of reducing the spread. Not only shut down, but quarantined at home as much as humanly possible as well. Did I mention that daycares as closed as well? Yes, that's right, I will be quarantined with my 4yr old! And possibly DH as well! Help! (Ps. happy anniversary DH!) I am almost glad that I was hit by a nasty cough this last week that slowed me down and made me rest up, because now I am expected to do what I can for work from home WITH my LO at my feet. She asks to go out nearly every day so keeping her home will be a challenge! So, one month post-op requires some stats to be posted I think, no? I feel like I should have lost more in pounds, but I am not measuring inches and I'm assuming those are catching up to the weightloss as I hit a stall t...

I’m back! Surgery went well overall and I have been home for a couple of days now, but there were definitely some surprises along the way. Friday, February 14th – We stayed at my MIL’s the night before so that the LO would have someone to look after her for the day and we could simply worry about getting me where I needed to be. Everything went well and we were right on time, although surgery itself was delayed by an hour or so. No big deal. I wasn’t anxious, nervous, scared or anything. It was… weird. I don’t remember surgery at all, but I do remember tremendous back pain once in my room (which was upgraded to private, yahoo). Morphine, morphine and more morphine. DH left while I was drugged out to get the LO who was now at his brother’s house having fun with her cousins. I knew going into this that I needed him with her more than with me. Saturday February 15th – There is a first time for everything! My nausea, either from surgery or morphine, was out of control. I was vomiting blood...

It's new year's eve and I guess that means I should be posting something wise, profound and inspirational. Or maybe a resolution to be broken a few weeks in to the new year? I'm not sure if I have any of that, but I have my truth so here it goes. I'm 40 years old. I've learned from most of my mistakes, but there will be more to make. Nobody's perfect. I recognize that I owe the biggest apology to myself for putting my younger self through things I didn't deserve. But, I am thankful for my struggles because they showed me my strengths. Strengths that I need now. I swear like a sailor and use please and thank you like a saint. I'm complicated like that. I over analyze things because I'm nervous about what could happen if I'm not prepared. I either give too many fucks, or no fucks at all. I haven't quite found the balance yet. Sometimes I shut down for days and don't really talk to anyone, but most days I can't keep quiet for more t...