I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

Happy Birthday to me! 42 laps around the sun; some waaaaayyyy longer than others, and a few of them far too short for sure. But I made it alive and mostly in 1 piece; minus 100lbs in the last 18 months – woohoo! But now that I’m here, is this really it? "The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42" The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy , Douglas Adams I’m pretty sure the quote above has become more famous than the novel itself. I mean, how many people have heard the quote but never even read the book? And while geeks around the world have wasted years of their lives trying to put some deep, symbolic, mathematical meaning to the number, the author himself states that there is, in fact, no meaning to it at all. “It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought ‘42 will ...

I think by now every parent has seen the viral, and powerful, video of the dad staying calm and patient through his toddler’s uncharacteristically bad tantrum. If you haven’t already seen it, you can find it here . Closer to the end, you see the child simply sitting in her father’s arms with her head on his chest, melting into calmness, in what is commonly referred to as the Heartbeat Hug. The idea behind this hug is to provide a sense of security, to reinforce that you are always a safe place for your child to fall, and to soothe them by synchronizing your heartbeats and breathing together. Clearly you, the parent, need to be calm as well for this to work! The thing about the Heartbeat Hug is that it is not limited to tantrums. This last week alone we have used the hug three times, not because of an emotional outburst but rather an inability to communicate. She has something she wants to say but struggles to find the words; you see that she is overcome with an emotion that she can’t l...

mis·con·strue (verb) /ˌmiskənˈstro͞o/ to interpret (something, especially a person's words or actions) wrongly. I've come to the realization that there are some people I simply cannot have face to face conversations with right now, and not because of Covid! It may sound strange, but I simply don’t feel comfortable with the immediacy that some people bring out and/or require when having a discussion. I become overwhelmed which leads to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and often times disappointment and disagreements that could have been avoided altogether. I need time to process what I hear and mull things over a bit before I can accurately comment or respond, and some people simply don't allow for that so I need to learn to make the space for it myself. Not to mention, that a handful of people just know how to push my buttons harder than others, and I really don’t need that right now! Conversely, there are a few people that I could talk to for hours, effortlessly, whe...

I seem to be struggling, trying to live more within myself while simultaneously testing the waters around me to be more accepting of who I am to be able to overcome my fears of constantly being judged. I mean, nobody could possibly judge me harder than I judge myself, but my own worst enemy shouldn’t be between my own two ears. I used to think that I could talk through this stuff with friends, but I realize now that it would often just cloud my thoughts and gave me unnecessary uncertainty; so much so that it would cause me to not think for myself. And when things were just too complicated to unravel, or when I couldn’t talk with anyone, I would write; sometimes creatively, other times as an emotional escape. I guess I do the same now, through this blog, in a way. You write so beautifully... the inside of your mind must be a terrible place. Even as a child, I would write for hours and I would put into words all the places I went to in my head to escape my childhood. As I got older my w...

The implications of Covid 19 for mental health are undeniable; the uncertainty of it all has negatively affected many people and created new barriers for those who were already suffering. The constant struggle, the barrage of social media, the endless losses, the fear of the unknown, the isolation, and the ever growing pessimism - it's a lot to wrap your head around. I stumbled on this story again while archiving my old blog last week, and with today's gloomy weather it felt like a good time to share it again. The Story of Two Wolves An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, com...

I’ve read many books, on so many things, but I had basically avoided reading anything on BPD until recently. I finally decided if I was going to spend my time reading up on other people’s “stuff”, then maybe I should spend some time reading up on my own afflictions. But I didn’t want something clinical; very few people in my life truly understand what goes on inside my head, including myself, so I wanted to find others who I could relate to and who could possibly help me figure things out. I did a little research on which books might fit my needs and the first one I picked up did not disappoint! In fact, I devoured it in 2 short evenings because I could not put it down. "I'm Telling the Truth, But I'm Lying" by Bassey IkpiI was so on point, I feel like she was writing about me through half of this book! “I need to prove to you that I didn’t enter the world broken. I… had experiences that turned me into these fragmented sentences… I didn’t just show up as a life alrea...

As much as I love the modern-day Disney movies, there is something about the classics that still capture me. Recently, in need of a nostalgic pick-me-up, I decided to sit down and watch the original Alice in Wonderland with mini-me; the animated one, not the one with real people and the creepy Jabberwocky (although that's my favorite). Ever since, without even hearing it, I’ve had the song White Rabbit (Jefferson Airplane) stuck in my head. Which, I guess makes sense these days, because I’ve been feeling a bit like Alice; falling down a well and ending up trapped in hallway filled with magical bottles labeled “eat me” and “drink me” with little known about what they will do. I am speaking, of course, about my meds.  In my case, one which makes me feel happy and optimistic, but at the risk of feeling indestructible. Another to shutdown the open tabs in my brain so that I can get a decent night’s sleep, when it works. And the newest one, the moderator of those above and the “stable...

I'm finally coming out of the mental fog that has surrounded me for the last month or so! I have reached out to a few friends after weeks of ghosting them, made plans with a couple of others for when our Covid curfew is lifted next week, and I have even managed to have a couple of tougher conversations with some people without going into a full blown depression as a result! And what has become abundantly clear in those conversations is that I really do not see myself the same way as others see me! In fact, I would probably be much kinder to myself if I could see myself their way. One friend reminded me about how far I’ve come since we first met 18yrs ago, joking that I was finally an adult. Another was saying how brave and strong I was to battle through a decade of fertility issues, and how amazing a mother I have become. And another couldn’t believe her eyes when I sent her some current pictures of me. She said I’ve inspired her to take control of her own poor eating habits ...

Hey! It’s #BellLetsTalk day! So, lets talk about mental health! While I still haven’t been officially diagnosed by my psychiatrist, it’s looking clearer and clearer that Bipolar II will be the end result; so much so that I already started the medication one week ago today after a 5 day long “episode”. And while the diagnosis of being bipolar explains so many things from the past, it poses limitless questions for the future. So, to not get overwhelmed by it all, I am simply trying to live in the now and learn to identify and control my inner turbulence, before projecting it all around me whenever possible. I haven’t been doing so well with that, but I need to give myself a break and take it one day at a time – or at least that’s what I’ve been told 1000 times! Admittedly though, I have found myself putting my guards back up again over the last year. Between weight loss surgery, a pandemic, and now the mental health struggle I simply needed to pull some people back in (that had previou...

This is something I first stumbled upon many moons ago, that I think needs a reminder every now and then... especially now, in my world. So, I thought I would share for anyone else who needs to hear this right now. A Poem About Listening (Ray Houghton, M.D.) Please, just listen. When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me, and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk, or do… just hear. Advice is cheap: A dollar twenty-five will get you both dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper, and I can do that myself. I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can, and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear an...

"He said when the seasons changed, I changed. For the first time I think he was right" Mud Vein by Tarryn Fisher Trying to gather my thoughts these days is like trying to wrestle a toddler into a car seat during a temper tantrum – impossible! What I thought was a weeklong depression became a month-long struggle; as the depression pulled me down the anxiety amped up and the emotional storm began. But not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path and turn everything sunny side up. I reached out to my doctors for help and we decided that it was time to try a new antidepressant. What I thought was malabsorption of my old medication, due to my sleeve, was more likely breakthrough depression – a sign that my former antidepressants just weren’t working anymore. I had been on them for the better part of 4 years and even after a recent increase in dose, I simply continued to spiral. Apparently, this can occur naturally for 1/3 of people taking antid...

As the days in isolation have turned to weeks, and rumor is that the weeks will likely be extended to months, my anxiety has been mostly under control. Yes, I have raised one of my meds back to where it was before surgery preventatively, but I haven't felt the need for the additional tranquilizer and that's a good thing! But, surprising. I reached out to a bunch of friends around me who similarly deal with anxiety and, for the most part, we are all unbelievably calm during this storm. It's like we've been training for this our whole lives! We see everyone around us beginning to feel the way we do every day and, in a strange way, it's extremely comforting. It almost normalizes how I feel. Feeling nervous, restless or tense? Having trouble sleeping? All those nights while everyone else was sleeping fine, I had insomnia. Now everyone else has insomnia and I could sleep all day! Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety? Afraid to go out shopping, for...