Things that make you go, hmm..
My daughter surprised me a couple of nights ago. She happily took out about a dozen My Little Ponies, lined them up, had me help her brush their hair one by one and made sure we didn’t stop until they were all “nice and pretty”. Nothing unusual for an almost 4-year-old, right?
Wrong. Not MY daughter.
She has clearly rejected the majority of “girl-related” anything since she was able to convey her feelings to us. She has never played with dolls, dislikes princesses, rejects dresses, and so on. She prefers cars, trucks, everything blue, and dinosaurs which is completely fine by me!
All of her friends are boys and she has always been outnumbered by them at her daycare so this may explain a few things. But, I admit that I am not overly girly either, so I get it. In either case, our child does not conform to gender roles, and that is totally OK! She’s different, but she is thriving and we love every ounce of her – whether she refers to herself as a girl OR a boy.
That said, I am also her mom and I want to be sure that I do everything in my power to support her but also protect her so lately I have been reading a lot about gender identity, gender confusion, transgender kids, gender neutral parenting, and so on. The internet is full of discussions, opinions, support, general information, facts (as well as bullshit) and just about anything you could wonder so it’s been an interesting few weeks.
We also had a doctor’s appointment last week so I took the opportunity to bring this up while we were there. The doctor applauded our openness to the subject and said that it was not something we would have to consult about before she was 8-10 years old. Additionally, he said that he felt society was much more forgiving and understanding than it was previously so he reassured us that we shouldn’t worry…
Um, hello? Mom, with anxiety, looking at the possibility of her own child facing struggles and aversion in today’s society? Of this kind or any other? Yeah… I am going to worry! It’s kind of my job! But, I am also going to be supportive and try to normalize the process, whatever it may be, as much as possible even though the thought of ever having to go through this with our child is scary as hell! Because, while we are open to anything she wants to do/be in life, people generally suck! They can be cruel, hateful, judgmental, critical and just plain ignorant.
It would be so much easier if we could all just be kind to one another!
Anyhow, I am not labeling my child; she is not even 4 yet! But, without labeling her, I can definitely say that she is different from most other girls in her age group. And, in our house, we embrace different! I am in no way sad that I haven’t played dress-up with her or that she refuses to even try ballet. I don’t care that she won’t wear bows in her hair or that she has no interest in being a princess. In fact, I am kind of happy with how strong, independent and outspoken she is!
Despite the number of websites, blogs, Facebook pages and books I have browsed through in recent weeks, I always come back to Pink’s 2017 speech from the VMA’s in which she shared a story about what she did in response to her own daughters’ struggle:
Wrong. Not MY daughter.
She has clearly rejected the majority of “girl-related” anything since she was able to convey her feelings to us. She has never played with dolls, dislikes princesses, rejects dresses, and so on. She prefers cars, trucks, everything blue, and dinosaurs which is completely fine by me!
All of her friends are boys and she has always been outnumbered by them at her daycare so this may explain a few things. But, I admit that I am not overly girly either, so I get it. In either case, our child does not conform to gender roles, and that is totally OK! She’s different, but she is thriving and we love every ounce of her – whether she refers to herself as a girl OR a boy.
That said, I am also her mom and I want to be sure that I do everything in my power to support her but also protect her so lately I have been reading a lot about gender identity, gender confusion, transgender kids, gender neutral parenting, and so on. The internet is full of discussions, opinions, support, general information, facts (as well as bullshit) and just about anything you could wonder so it’s been an interesting few weeks.
We also had a doctor’s appointment last week so I took the opportunity to bring this up while we were there. The doctor applauded our openness to the subject and said that it was not something we would have to consult about before she was 8-10 years old. Additionally, he said that he felt society was much more forgiving and understanding than it was previously so he reassured us that we shouldn’t worry…
Um, hello? Mom, with anxiety, looking at the possibility of her own child facing struggles and aversion in today’s society? Of this kind or any other? Yeah… I am going to worry! It’s kind of my job! But, I am also going to be supportive and try to normalize the process, whatever it may be, as much as possible even though the thought of ever having to go through this with our child is scary as hell! Because, while we are open to anything she wants to do/be in life, people generally suck! They can be cruel, hateful, judgmental, critical and just plain ignorant.
It would be so much easier if we could all just be kind to one another!
Anyhow, I am not labeling my child; she is not even 4 yet! But, without labeling her, I can definitely say that she is different from most other girls in her age group. And, in our house, we embrace different! I am in no way sad that I haven’t played dress-up with her or that she refuses to even try ballet. I don’t care that she won’t wear bows in her hair or that she has no interest in being a princess. In fact, I am kind of happy with how strong, independent and outspoken she is!
Despite the number of websites, blogs, Facebook pages and books I have browsed through in recent weeks, I always come back to Pink’s 2017 speech from the VMA’s in which she shared a story about what she did in response to her own daughters’ struggle:
"…Recently, I was driving my daughter to school and she said to me, out of the blue, 'Mama?' I said, 'Yes, baby?' She said, 'I'm the ugliest girl I know.' And I said, 'Huh?' And she was like, 'Yeah, I look like a boy with long hair.' And my brain went to Oh my god, you're 6. Why? Where is this coming from? Who said this? Can I kick a 6-year-old's ass, like what?
But I didn't say anything. Instead I went home and I made a Powerpoint presentation for her. And in that presentation were androgynous rockstars and artists that live their truth, are probably made fun of every day of their life, and carry on, wave their flag, and inspire the rest of us. And these are artists like Michael Jackson and David Bowie and Freddie Mercury and Annie Lennox and Prince and Janis Joplin and George Michael, Elton John, so many artists — her eyes glazed over. But then I said, 'You know, I really wanna know why you feel this way about yourself.' And she said, 'Well I look like a boy,' and I said, 'Well what do you think I look like?' And she said, 'Well you're beautiful.' And I was like, 'Well, thanks. But when people make fun of me, that's what they use. They say I look like a boy or I'm too masculine or I have too many opinions, my body is too strong.'
And I said to her, 'Do you see me growing my hair?' She said, 'No, Mama.' I said, 'Do you see me changing my body?' 'No, Mama.' 'Do you see me changing the way I present myself to the world?' 'No, Mama.' 'Do you see me selling out arenas all over the world?' 'Yes, Mama.' 'OK! So, baby girl. We don't change. We take the gravel and the shell and we make a pearl. And we help other people to change so they can see more kinds of beauty.'”
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