Two eyes, two ears and one heavy heart
I don’t remember how it came up exactly, but recently someone asked me what the biggest change was after becoming a mom. My answer was simple; priorities.
My priorities were rarely ever static and they would always fluctuate throughout the year; too often work-related, frequently health oriented, often times centered on family or relationship issues, sometimes focused on friendships and not often enough about myself. But now, whatever order all of those fall in – my daughter always comes first.
And I think this is why this past summer, these last few weeks, and the next 10 days have and will be extra difficult for me. Not because my daughter is my number one priority, but because I haven’t quite figured out how to make all the rest of it less of one.
It is high-season at work, complicated by recent and ongoing health issues for myself, coupled with on and off work-widowing (about to happen again) and compounded by the LO’s upcoming eye and ear surgeries. All areas which I mistakenly believe require 110% of myself at any given moment, and all things that stress me out in ways that – when combined - simply hamper my ability to perform as expected (by myself and others). I literally have been pushing myself beyond my limits, and I am quickly running out of steam. So much so that I have cried out for help many times, but I feel like my cries have fallen on deaf ears; this last week being the worst of it so far, thanks to my j-o-b.
And I think, maybe, that’s the reason why I finally picked up the phone and returned to therapy.
Between overly needy clients, superficial interpersonal work relationships, frequent work-widowing, lack of family support, some recently strained friendships, and limited time for the stronger friendships I have, I’ve found myself needing an outlet to call my own. I realized that sometimes when I do get to have a friendly adult conversation with someone, I often come off very self-centered because I can’t help but talk about myself, often forgetting to ask anything about the other person at all. I spend about 99% of my time catering to the needs of others, and sometimes when someone takes the time to ask me how I am... it just comes pouring out! Sometimes it is truly the first adult conversation I’ve had in days! Other times it is just the first moment I’ve gotten to actually think about myself. To anyone that this has happened with recently, please don't take it personally, and please don't think I am stuck up or have no interest in you... I do, I just seriously need direction these days.
DH leaves tomorrow, for 9 days. He is off to Germany which is one of the most difficult, annual, trips for me as the time difference and our schedules make it extra difficult to communicate with one another. The LO’s surgery takes place in 10 days, the day after he returns. I have taken that whole week off of work, originally planning to go in from time to time but recently deciding that any chance I have away from the LO that week will be for myself; to restore my energy and regain control of my racing thoughts.
If I can just get through the next week in one piece, I can start to heal my heavy heart.
My priorities were rarely ever static and they would always fluctuate throughout the year; too often work-related, frequently health oriented, often times centered on family or relationship issues, sometimes focused on friendships and not often enough about myself. But now, whatever order all of those fall in – my daughter always comes first.
And I think this is why this past summer, these last few weeks, and the next 10 days have and will be extra difficult for me. Not because my daughter is my number one priority, but because I haven’t quite figured out how to make all the rest of it less of one.
It is high-season at work, complicated by recent and ongoing health issues for myself, coupled with on and off work-widowing (about to happen again) and compounded by the LO’s upcoming eye and ear surgeries. All areas which I mistakenly believe require 110% of myself at any given moment, and all things that stress me out in ways that – when combined - simply hamper my ability to perform as expected (by myself and others). I literally have been pushing myself beyond my limits, and I am quickly running out of steam. So much so that I have cried out for help many times, but I feel like my cries have fallen on deaf ears; this last week being the worst of it so far, thanks to my j-o-b.
And I think, maybe, that’s the reason why I finally picked up the phone and returned to therapy.
Between overly needy clients, superficial interpersonal work relationships, frequent work-widowing, lack of family support, some recently strained friendships, and limited time for the stronger friendships I have, I’ve found myself needing an outlet to call my own. I realized that sometimes when I do get to have a friendly adult conversation with someone, I often come off very self-centered because I can’t help but talk about myself, often forgetting to ask anything about the other person at all. I spend about 99% of my time catering to the needs of others, and sometimes when someone takes the time to ask me how I am... it just comes pouring out! Sometimes it is truly the first adult conversation I’ve had in days! Other times it is just the first moment I’ve gotten to actually think about myself. To anyone that this has happened with recently, please don't take it personally, and please don't think I am stuck up or have no interest in you... I do, I just seriously need direction these days.
DH leaves tomorrow, for 9 days. He is off to Germany which is one of the most difficult, annual, trips for me as the time difference and our schedules make it extra difficult to communicate with one another. The LO’s surgery takes place in 10 days, the day after he returns. I have taken that whole week off of work, originally planning to go in from time to time but recently deciding that any chance I have away from the LO that week will be for myself; to restore my energy and regain control of my racing thoughts.
If I can just get through the next week in one piece, I can start to heal my heavy heart.
Comments
Post a Comment