A letter to my younger self...

I listen to The Beat 92.5 from the time I get into my car in the morning until I arrive home at night. Last month, the morning hosts did an exercise writing letters to their younger selves, and after crying in my car with each one (thanks guys), it was hearing Nikki's letter that made me decide to write my own.

It is not an easy letter to write. As she said herself, the first attempt was quite harsh and critical... not at all what I wanted it to be! After numerous revisions, this is what I am comfortable sharing.

So you just turned 15 and I'm nearing 40. I feel like receiving a letter from my future self at this age wouldn't have been appreciated as much as it should have, but knowing what I know now I assure you that it could have made a world of difference! So, here we go...

You met a new best friend over the summer that you spend hours on the phone with and you think you've found the stability you've been searching for in a neighbor you consider to be like-a-mom. All of the adult issues you've had to deal with over the years are starting to dissipate and you are starting to learn how to swim with your head above water.

You are happy; this is what happiness feels like. But, this will be a rough year. This year will rock the boat and you will feel like you are drowning all over again. Hold on, tightly. And, always remember that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... this is a lesson I wish I had learned long ago.

That best friend? She will show her true colors next spring, but don't worry about her because by the end of the year you will have reunited with an old BFF and she will be with you, like a sister, for the rest of your life. No, not like-a-sister, a sister by heart. And no matter how far apart you are, she is always by your side and you hers.

That like-a-mom? Keep her for now... you need her, and it will become apparent when you are older that she needed you too, but there will come a time where you realize she isn't all that different from your real mom, and she too will disappoint you. In fact, you might come to realize that the times you needed her most, she wasn't there for you at all. It will come as a shock, but she will abandon you; first emotionally and then physically. But it's OK. You will be OK. I promise.

Wait, you still believe that your real mom hasn't disappointed you? Oh, she has, you just don't see it yet. But, you will in the next few months and years. Those adult issues that you thought were over with? There will be a new one. Old memories that are brought closer to the surface, indescribably courtesy of that summertime BFF. Innocence lost. Betrayal by a grandfather figure. And, abandonment in one of your greatest times of need by your own mother. One of many to come I am afraid.

But you've got this. You are strong. You are determined. You are a fighter. Remember, you are cut from the same cloth as your Nana. That isn't to say that you don't make mistakes, because you will make plenty, but you learn from them. You overcome. And you get back up when someone knocks you down.

Your first love will come and go next summer. Don't get too caught up about it, he is just a fling and you are way to immature to have a boyfriend! Your next will come shortly after you start college. Again, you are not at all ready (and neither is he, quite frankly), but he comes in at a time when your world is changing, drastically, and you need a new stability. While he provides this, in some ways, he will also hurt you in ways that are all too familiar. But worse, you will begin to hurt yourself. I won't tell you not to because we know how well you will take to my advice, but I will tell you to be careful. And, when people offer to help you, let them. They will save you from yourself, and yes... you are worth saving!

In fact, one of those people will become your spouse. Not with the traditional fairy tale wedding you've longed for, but in time you will accept this and understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage. He will test you at every turn. He will upset you. He will disappoint you. He will lie to you. He will challenge you. In fact, he will cheat on you and he will abandon you in some ways too. But, he does love you. And you, of all people, should understand that he is "broken" too... and you will overcome, for the most part. Take comfort in knowing that, while he is not a perfect husband, he will make a great father one day and he is not anything at all like your own.

And, speaking of your father... I don't even know where to begin. He may never see the error in his ways. He grew up in a home that was so much worse than yours that he truly believes he is treating you like a princess. He is clearly wrong, but I don't think that he will ever understand that. He has health issues, both mental and physical, that you will only begin to understand when you are older. Issues that will, inevitably, take his life. I am not making excuses for him, at all. The way he has treated you and your mother is inexcusable. And, because of his actions, you will find yourself alone and forcibly independent within the next 5 years. You will be young, and dumb, and make mistakes. But never make mistakes as great as his. He will lose the one thing he should have cherished the most - YOU.

Last but not at all least, trust your struggles. They will give you the strength you desperately need in your mid 20's. The strength that will get you through a long and dark battle with infertility (because the world hasn't dumped enough on you already). But I promise you there is a light at the end of that tunnel. A light that shines so bright that it lights up every corner of your world. You will have a daughter. And, despite everything you have been through, you will become the mother you always wanted. You will be the BFF that she will always need. You will protect her the way everyone failed to protect you. And you will love her, endlessly, the way you have always hoped to be loved.

It will all get better, I promise. Love yourself. Be kind. Be strong. Be a warrior.

I highly recommend this process to all of you! Whether you choose to share it or not, it is cathartic. If you would like to share your letter through my blog I would be happy to post it!