The greatest gift...
I spent the 6 months leading up to my first Mother’s Day in constant fear, panic and anxiety coupled with insomnia and exhaustion from having a newborn. While a big part of me wanted to blame everything on being a new mom, deep down I knew that it was mostly inside my head. After jumping through a number of hoops and hurdles of our medical system, I was finally referred to a psychiatrist who specialized in postpartum depression and anxiety and she quickly put me on antidepressants. They were not instantaneous, but I began to feel relatively “normal” again soon after.
While I had every intention of coming off the meds within a year, I wasn’t at all ready. So, I stayed on them for an additional year and finally came off of them 6 months ago. But, while happy to be off of them, the last few months have proven to be extremely difficult. While my initial thinking was that it was circumstantial again, as there is a lot of crap going on around me at the moment, the acknowledgement that it may also be in my head was necessary.
I’m not sad, but I am not happy either. And, I am emotional, irritable, angry, unfocused and just generally not myself – at least not when I am around my daughter. With her I am fine, happy even. But, that’s a lot of responsibility to put on a tiny human!
And so, as the greatest gift I could possibly give my little girl (and myself), I am back on meds.
My head hurts, my stomach is upset, my sugar levels are out of whack and my sleep is disturbed again – but these are temporary side effects for a greater good. While it was only ever mentioned that I have generalized anxiety disorder, I have previously suffered from severe panic attacks, minor OCD and PTSD as well; all of which are treated by this same medication. Recently, premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) was starting to sound plausible as well but as this is also treated by the same medication it was worth a shot!
Antidepressants certainly won’t make me forget my problems, but they should help me deal with them. I am also going to start working with my therapist again as soon as possible, because the worst kind of sadness is to be sad and not be able to explain why... and she helps me find those words.
Oh, and before I forget, take a look at the LO's birthday cake! Paw Patrol!!!
While I had every intention of coming off the meds within a year, I wasn’t at all ready. So, I stayed on them for an additional year and finally came off of them 6 months ago. But, while happy to be off of them, the last few months have proven to be extremely difficult. While my initial thinking was that it was circumstantial again, as there is a lot of crap going on around me at the moment, the acknowledgement that it may also be in my head was necessary.
I’m not sad, but I am not happy either. And, I am emotional, irritable, angry, unfocused and just generally not myself – at least not when I am around my daughter. With her I am fine, happy even. But, that’s a lot of responsibility to put on a tiny human!
And so, as the greatest gift I could possibly give my little girl (and myself), I am back on meds.
My head hurts, my stomach is upset, my sugar levels are out of whack and my sleep is disturbed again – but these are temporary side effects for a greater good. While it was only ever mentioned that I have generalized anxiety disorder, I have previously suffered from severe panic attacks, minor OCD and PTSD as well; all of which are treated by this same medication. Recently, premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) was starting to sound plausible as well but as this is also treated by the same medication it was worth a shot!
Antidepressants certainly won’t make me forget my problems, but they should help me deal with them. I am also going to start working with my therapist again as soon as possible, because the worst kind of sadness is to be sad and not be able to explain why... and she helps me find those words.
Oh, and before I forget, take a look at the LO's birthday cake! Paw Patrol!!!
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| 3 years old - 2018 |
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