I can’t cry anymore…
No, I am not about to post the lyrics to a Sheryl Crow song, I mean it… I can’t cry anymore; and it’s really weird for me.
After reaching my breaking point last fall, and after a terribly horrible ugly cry at the Santa Claus parade of all places, I went back on meds. I have no regrets about this and even upped the dose soon after as I quickly saw the benefits I once experienced before.
But that is the last time I cried. No, that is the last time I COULD cry.
I had already spoken to my therapist about possibly being over medicated because I felt as though I wasn’t reacting to things I certainly should have been reacting to. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized I physically cannot shed a tear when I am upset. I know that I can cry tears of joy, like when my LO went rock climbing all by herself last weekend at only 3.5yrs old and made me beyond proud of her courage. But I have been dealing with a bit of a situation at work these past few months that all came to a head yesterday and, despite feeling the tears sting at my eyes all day long, I just couldn’t let it out.
I coincidentally had an appointment with my GP so I brought it up and she said I could be experiencing “emotional blunting”. In short, it means that your feelings and emotions are so numbed that you neither feel up nor down. You may be less able to laugh or cry, even when appropriate. You may lack empathy for others. You may not experience the same level of enjoyment that you normally would and you may lack motivation and drive.
In my case, the only symptom I have noticed is the inability to cry when upset. In fact, I was so upset that after my appointment I left work and went straight to pick up my daughter from daycare because being with her makes me happy and I wanted to feel that over what I was actually feeling.
Generally, outside of work, I do not feel like I lack enjoyment, motivation or drive. But, when I am at the office that is a different story. So, now I wonder of it how much is circumstantial again; what are work life symptoms and coping mechanisms vs. real life symptoms and coping mechanisms?
And I see a very distinct difference!
For now, I am focusing on vacation which is only days away. It will be a much needed break from medical appointments, work stress, and life in general. Once we are back I will be experimenting with a different dosage of my meds and seeing how I cope then.
In some instances, there is a benefit to being numb (cue the toddler meltdowns), but sometimes a girl just needs a good cry!
After reaching my breaking point last fall, and after a terribly horrible ugly cry at the Santa Claus parade of all places, I went back on meds. I have no regrets about this and even upped the dose soon after as I quickly saw the benefits I once experienced before.
But that is the last time I cried. No, that is the last time I COULD cry.
I had already spoken to my therapist about possibly being over medicated because I felt as though I wasn’t reacting to things I certainly should have been reacting to. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized I physically cannot shed a tear when I am upset. I know that I can cry tears of joy, like when my LO went rock climbing all by herself last weekend at only 3.5yrs old and made me beyond proud of her courage. But I have been dealing with a bit of a situation at work these past few months that all came to a head yesterday and, despite feeling the tears sting at my eyes all day long, I just couldn’t let it out.
I coincidentally had an appointment with my GP so I brought it up and she said I could be experiencing “emotional blunting”. In short, it means that your feelings and emotions are so numbed that you neither feel up nor down. You may be less able to laugh or cry, even when appropriate. You may lack empathy for others. You may not experience the same level of enjoyment that you normally would and you may lack motivation and drive.
In my case, the only symptom I have noticed is the inability to cry when upset. In fact, I was so upset that after my appointment I left work and went straight to pick up my daughter from daycare because being with her makes me happy and I wanted to feel that over what I was actually feeling.
Generally, outside of work, I do not feel like I lack enjoyment, motivation or drive. But, when I am at the office that is a different story. So, now I wonder of it how much is circumstantial again; what are work life symptoms and coping mechanisms vs. real life symptoms and coping mechanisms?
And I see a very distinct difference!
For now, I am focusing on vacation which is only days away. It will be a much needed break from medical appointments, work stress, and life in general. Once we are back I will be experimenting with a different dosage of my meds and seeing how I cope then.
In some instances, there is a benefit to being numb (cue the toddler meltdowns), but sometimes a girl just needs a good cry!
Comments
Post a Comment