One week to go and I'm not ready!
My time off for surgery is quickly coming to an end. My hand, while not 100% healed yet, feels great; better than it has in over a year! My mind, however, is starting to race again. I have plans nearly every day between now and next Thursday, with Thanksgiving in between, so that should keep me preoccupied. But, while I might look fine on the outside, the anxiety is there.
Anxiety is funny; in the way it creeps up on you, not funny ha ha. I knew it would come this time, I anticipated it, I talked about it, I took precautions against it... but the fact of the matter is that I left work in a state of turmoil and I am returning to an unresolved situation (as far as I am concerned) and this makes that environment uncomfortable for me. That discomfort feeds emotions deep down inside of me and the anxiety comes racing through, despite any amount of anticipation. It is a mix of things really.
Not only am I anxious about work, but the day before I go back I am meeting with one of my old doctors regarding the state of my pre-diabetes/diabetic status. When leaving obstetrics, about a year and a half ago, we joked that we really liked each other and enjoyed our appointments together but we wished to never see each other again because that would mean my levels were out of control. Well, flash forward to a few months ago and that is exactly what happened. My levels have been all over the place despite my family doctor’s best efforts. So, back to the diabetic clinic I go… expecting the news I really don’t want to hear. The good news? It probably hasn’t evolved past a point where I can’t rein it again. The bad news? I lack motivation right now, but I need to do this; if not for myself, then for my daughter.
Not long after my return to work from maternity leave I stumbled across this article entitled “What it’s like to have high-functioning anxiety”. It has since become my go to for anyone who wants to understand what goes on inside of my head some days. One of the lines that stood out for me was
Anxiety is funny; in the way it creeps up on you, not funny ha ha. I knew it would come this time, I anticipated it, I talked about it, I took precautions against it... but the fact of the matter is that I left work in a state of turmoil and I am returning to an unresolved situation (as far as I am concerned) and this makes that environment uncomfortable for me. That discomfort feeds emotions deep down inside of me and the anxiety comes racing through, despite any amount of anticipation. It is a mix of things really.
Not only am I anxious about work, but the day before I go back I am meeting with one of my old doctors regarding the state of my pre-diabetes/diabetic status. When leaving obstetrics, about a year and a half ago, we joked that we really liked each other and enjoyed our appointments together but we wished to never see each other again because that would mean my levels were out of control. Well, flash forward to a few months ago and that is exactly what happened. My levels have been all over the place despite my family doctor’s best efforts. So, back to the diabetic clinic I go… expecting the news I really don’t want to hear. The good news? It probably hasn’t evolved past a point where I can’t rein it again. The bad news? I lack motivation right now, but I need to do this; if not for myself, then for my daughter.
Not long after my return to work from maternity leave I stumbled across this article entitled “What it’s like to have high-functioning anxiety”. It has since become my go to for anyone who wants to understand what goes on inside of my head some days. One of the lines that stood out for me was
“It’s silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles...”That sounds just about right, especially now. To read the full piece, head over to The Mighty.
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