I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

Oh my goodness! We don't have the same mom, or even the same dad, but my BFF of 30+ years is the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. Earlier tonight I logged on to Facebook to the sweetest, heartwarming, message from her and I had to share. Dear Friend, This is my promise of sisterhood. You are allowed bad moods, bad days, and bad seasons.  I will not judge you by your vent sesh and I know you won’t judge me by mine. I will tell you when there’s stuff in your teeth and that your beard hair is sprouting again. When hard things swallow you up you can borrow my faith, because someday soon I will need to borrow yours. I will embrace your differences. I might not be wired the same way as you, but loving you means loving all of you. You might drink tea, I drink coffee. You might homeschool, I do public. You might organize your cupboards, I do the stuff and slam. It doesn’t matter how we are different, we don’t need to be the same to be besties. I will never use you or take ad...

1965 Dean's Gift Book of Nursery Rhymes, illustrated by Janet & Anne Grahame Johnstone I remember hearing my Nana recite this this nursery rhyme when I was growing up. I don’t think she was specifically implying that it reminded her of me, but now that I am older, I am beginning to wonder. Specifically, the part that says “ When she was good, She was very, very good, But when she was bad, she was horrid ”. I’m not going to lie, it has been a rough month and a half or so. I would say that this is the longest struggle I have ever had with anxiety and depression while medicated! About 10 days ago, I wrote that I thought I had everything under control and that I believed the worst of the storm had passed… but, wow, was I ever wrong! Earlier this week my moods were changing rapidly, with no clear reason as to why, and I want to say worse than I have ever experienced in recent years. On Wednesday, I simply couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped. Long story short, I was at w...

Since I was 17 I've always hated my body And it feels like my body's hated me Can somebody find me a pill To make me un-afraid of me? Seen every therapist, but I'm a cynical bitch Don't like to talk about my feelings I take another hit, I find another fake fix 'Cause it's easier than healing I don't wanna be this way forever Keep telling myself that I'll get better Every time I try, I always stop me Maybe I'm just scared to be happy Since I was 22 I've been with somebody who loves me And I've been tryna believe it's true But my head always messes up my heart No matter what I do Seen every therapist, but I'm a cynical bitch Don't like to talk about my feelings I take another sip, I swear it's my last fix 'Cause it's easier than healing 'Cause I don't wanna be this way forever Keep telling myself that I'll get better Every time I try, I always stop me Maybe I'm just scared to...

So here's the thing about anxiety, and depression, it doesn't take a look at your schedule and find a place to fit itself in. It shows up when and where it wants to and manifests itself however it chooses to. It doesn't ask you which combination of symptoms you prefer or who you want to lash out at today, it just acts. It manipulates you. It plays on your fears, your doubts and your worries. Everything is what-if and worst case scenario. On the right dose, my medication kept things manageable. Well, not quite. On the right dose, I was numb; I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. But maybe that's what I needed. In fact, it's what I need right now! What worked a year ago seems less effective this year. Day by day, it is ruining my ability to fall asleep at night, which in turn is killing my concentration during the day. I worry about everything and my mind never relaxes. Even my dreams don't stop when I finally do fall asleep at night. I am constantly questio...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now there's a steel knife, in my windpipe I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight High off of love drunk from my hate It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me, And I love it, wait Where you going, I'm leaving you No you ain't, come back We're running right back, here we go again It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane But when it's bad, it...