I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

In June of 2017, after running Creating My Monster for a decade, I wrote my first “Last Post” to close that lengthy chapter of my life, the end of an era! At the time my daughter was 1.5 years old, and I felt that her story, and mine, needed a fresh start. And, so became I Am – Because You Are. But, with that said, it is no longer up to me to share her story. While lovingly referred to all this time as my LO (little one), she is no longer little. At 6 years old, she has very strong opinions, she already tells me what I can and cannot share with others (especially when it comes to her photo), and she has an absolute right to privacy. I protect her on all other social media platforms and, starting now, I will do the same here. While the audience for IABYA is far less than CMM’s, mainly because it is no longer affiliated with any blogging communities and I rarely promote products or apply for partnerships anymore, it does reach wider than I am comfortable with. I have shared less and les

On this day, 6 years ago, I never thought that I could love my baby girl more than I did that very first moment that she was in my arms. But with every day that passes, my love for her continues to grow, endlessly.  Her smile is infectious, her laugh is contagious, her love is unconditional, and she wears her heart on her sleeve. She is strong, independent, brave, and beautiful - both inside and out. She is my heart, my soul, my sun, my moon, and all of my stars. She is my world and she will always be the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love you with all my heart. Happy 6th birthday. 

With her 6th birthday just around the corner, and her first ever report card expected tonight, I have been thinking a lot about what comes next. Daycare was a bubble, it was safe, familiar, and protective. It gave us everything we needed when we needed it the most. And while our transition to kindergarten has not been seamless, it has been far better than I had originally anticipated.  So, clearly, she’s a big kid now; it’s time for change and she is more than ready for the challenge. I need to encourage her to try new things, allow her to discover whether she can step out of her comfort zone and learn to overcome her fears and uncertainties. I need to take a step back and let her learn to solve more problems on her own, let her experiment and let her learn from her mistakes. I need her to know that, even though she might not like it, failure IS an option and it's completely normal and one of the best ways to learn. I want to build her self confidence and self-esteem, make her beli

An unexpected email, with 2 very simple questions: What’s been your biggest win of the back-to-school season? What’s your biggest struggle? Let’s start with the first since it’s an easy one. She loves school! She loves taking the bus to school. She loves going to daycare after school. She loves the Breakfast Club. She loves the hot lunches. She loves her teacher. She loved her first Ped Day. Honestly, there isn’t one thing about the whole school experience that I would say she doesn’t love, except that she never gets homework so she sometimes gives some to herself – but that will wear off quickly once she hits Grade 1 I’m sure! SO, all in all, it’s a huge win! However, as the parent, I do see an emerging struggle that she is blissfully unaware of for the time being. And so, advocating for my child has taken precedence once again. There is no such thing as a “bad kid” - just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings & needs the only way they know

 A few people have been asking me how the end of daycare and start of school went, and while I had the best of intentions to write this bit by bit over the last week and post on the weekend, my brain had other plans for us and that just didn’t happen! So, here is a synopsis of everything.  Last day of daycare While the Friday before was a whirlwind of unexplained (and possibly misplaced) emotions, the last minutes of her last day with her teacher went surprisingly well! When I got to the door, I rang the bell, but no one came so I thought maybe it hadn’t rung inside. I pressed it again and this time I heard it clearly. Still, no one. As I went to press it a 3rd time, around the corner came my smiling LO with a gift bag in her hands followed by a sobbing teacher! They shared a few more hugs before and she was finally handed over to me after I promised we would come back to visit. Barely at the car, she remembered that I came to pick her up specifically when her teacher was

We have had an eventful few days, and even more for the week to come. Last Friday the LO had an emotional goodbye with one of the girls who works at daycare. It seems like they had bonded in a short amount of time, and after hearing that this girl would be leaving for school herself, our LO was overcome with emotions. She internalizes first, while processing, and either resolves it on her own or bursts. This time she burst, and she kept repeating that the girl "really likes her" and asking "why is she leaving for school" over and over again. The thing is, while she has bonded with her over the last couple of months, it's nothing in comparison to the attachment she has with her teacher. They met when she was only 3 months old, she's spent time with her on and off throughout her years at daycare, but has actually been in her class for the last 2 years! While her emotions were genuine, I don't feel as though they were truly attached to that particular girl

Happy Birthday to me! 42 laps around the sun; some waaaaayyyy longer than others, and a few of them far too short for sure. But I made it alive and mostly in 1 piece; minus 100lbs in the last 18 months – woohoo! But now that I’m here, is this really it? "The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42" The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy , Douglas Adams I’m pretty sure the quote above has become more famous than the novel itself. I mean, how many people have heard the quote but never even read the book? And while geeks around the world have wasted years of their lives trying to put some deep, symbolic, mathematical meaning to the number, the author himself states that there is, in fact, no meaning to it at all. “It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought ‘42 will

 

Expansion, by Paige Bradley The Story of Expansion – PAIGE BRADLEY To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it’s not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It’s our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. – Heidi Priebe  

Now, more than ever, I see what a blessing in disguise it was for me when Covid shut the world down just weeks after my weight loss surgery. I am grateful that I had the time to sort myself out, both mentally and physically, and properly prepare myself for re-entry into this new world; not the one that everyone else is living in, by MY new normal. As things are starting to open again, and go back to some level of familiarity, I realize that it is going to be a bit like putting a square peg in a round hole for me. Story of my life, on so many levels these days! Take a spontaneous meal out at a restaurant for example; something we did a few times a month pre-Covid without hesitation. Now, twice in the last month alone I have been caught completely off guard with restaurant and food choices in such a way that I don’t even care that they are all opening again! The first time was on soccer night. I have been preparing a picnic dinner to eat on the field before the LO plays but decided to gr

When I want to chat, I text - a lot. When I want to talk, I call and sometimes talk for hours. When I want to go out somewhere, I invite someone along for company. When there is something to celebrate. we get together and celebrate! This is who I am. I am social and I crave interaction. I spend quality time with people that I love! But not everyone is like me. Some are the complete opposite so I try to slow my roll. I remind myself that not everyone is “available”. I can text, but they won’t answer. I could call, but if they answer I’d feel like I would be interrupting. I’d offer to hang out, but the answer would almost always be no. And as for a celebration? Well – Covid has that covered for now! A few in my life are the latter. One who I live with. A couple who I cannot see myself living without. Disappearing for months, resurfacing like no time has passed. Only available once in a blue moon, and even then. Never part of a crowd, sometimes one-on-one, but usually not. It’

I think by now every parent has seen the viral, and powerful, video of the dad staying calm and patient through his toddler’s uncharacteristically bad tantrum. If you haven’t already seen it, you can find it here . Closer to the end, you see the child simply sitting in her father’s arms with her head on his chest, melting into calmness, in what is commonly referred to as the Heartbeat Hug. The idea behind this hug is to provide a sense of security, to reinforce that you are always a safe place for your child to fall, and to soothe them by synchronizing your heartbeats and breathing together. Clearly you, the parent, need to be calm as well for this to work! The thing about the Heartbeat Hug is that it is not limited to tantrums. This last week alone we have used the hug three times, not because of an emotional outburst but rather an inability to communicate. She has something she wants to say but struggles to find the words; you see that she is overcome with an emotion that she can’t l

 

mis·con·strue (verb) /ˌmiskənˈstro͞o/ to interpret (something, especially a person's words or actions) wrongly. I've come to the realization that there are some people I simply cannot have face to face conversations with right now, and not because of Covid! It may sound strange, but I simply don’t feel comfortable with the immediacy that some people bring out and/or require when having a discussion. I become overwhelmed which leads to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and often times disappointment and disagreements that could have been avoided altogether. I need time to process what I hear and mull things over a bit before I can accurately comment or respond, and some people simply don't allow for that so I need to learn to make the space for it myself. Not to mention, that a handful of people just know how to push my buttons harder than others, and I really don’t need that right now! Conversely, there are a few people that I could talk to for hours, effortlessly, whe

Never in my adult life did I ever experience "fat shaming", at least not to my face. But the "skinny-shaming" is out of control!  While I spent years eating my emotions, nobody sat there asking "Are you going to keep gaining?", "How much more are you going to gain?", "Shouldn't you eat less?", "Don't you want to look good?" over and over again. But now that I've lost so much its like a constant barrage of "Are you done losing yet?", "How much more are you trying to lose?", "Shouldn't you eat more?", "Aren't you happy with the way you look now?" over and over again! I'm not saying I should have been fat-shamed, but maybe people should have been more concerned when I was unhealthy than they are now that I'm on the right track! And I get that when someone sees me for the first time in a year (especially those that don't know I had surgery) there is bound to b

I seem to be struggling, trying to live more within myself while simultaneously testing the waters around me to be more accepting of who I am to be able to overcome my fears of constantly being judged. I mean, nobody could possibly judge me harder than I judge myself, but my own worst enemy shouldn’t be between my own two ears. I used to think that I could talk through this stuff with friends, but I realize now that it would often just cloud my thoughts and gave me unnecessary uncertainty; so much so that it would cause me to not think for myself. And when things were just too complicated to unravel, or when I couldn’t talk with anyone, I would write; sometimes creatively, other times as an emotional escape. I guess I do the same now, through this blog, in a way. You write so beautifully... the inside of your mind must be a terrible place. Even as a child, I would write for hours and I would put into words all the places I went to in my head to escape my childhood. As I got older my w

We sold our souls and we lost control With more doubt than hope Glass half empty and discontented from growing old Through all the failed attempts at trying to belong I overthink the obvious when I'm alone But when the lights go up I don't think I told you I don't think I told you That I feel out of place   So pull me underground Don't know if you notice Sometimes I close my eyes And dream I'm somewhere else Anywhere away from here Anywhere away from here Anywhere away from here YouTube Playlist - IABYA

Through a series of FORTUNATE events… we have been vaccinated! I have known since Sunday that I had the appointment, but I wanted the needle in my arm before saying anything, just in case! And yes, I feel a drop of guilt about it all - but this isn't an opportunity I could pass up. Our second doses are schedule for early August.

The implications of Covid 19 for mental health are undeniable; the uncertainty of it all has negatively affected many people and created new barriers for those who were already suffering. The constant struggle, the barrage of social media, the endless losses, the fear of the unknown, the isolation, and the ever growing pessimism - it's a lot to wrap your head around. I stumbled on this story again while archiving my old blog last week, and with today's gloomy weather it felt like a good time to share it again. The Story of Two Wolves An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, com

As some of you know, I once had a long running blog about my own infertility and becoming a mother. I stopped writing there, and for the blogging community I was associated with, in 2017 for a variety of reasons and I began this one soon after, unassociated. Recently I have been saving each and every post from that blog, one by one, and putting them into a word document so when my daughter starts the "you don't love me, you never wanted me" bullshit, which we all know will happen, I can prove to her how badly I really did! No no, I'm joking, really! Am I? Anyhow, some 400 pages later, I realized that I have stumbled on a number of posts that still resonate with me today so I have flagged a couple of them to share here, again. I have no idea about the origins of this one, but I have always loved the moral of the story. The Cracked Pot An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a