I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

This Christmas break didn't start off as planned as I got hit with gastro or food poisoning the first night! But, aside from the usual holiday chaos and another leaky ear for the LO, things have been pretty good so far. Mostly quiet, which I need these days. In less than 3 weeks we are headed into surgery again to replace the fallen ear tube and have her adenoids removed as well in hopes of clearing up the issues once and for all. She has another follow up with her ophthalmologist too because we are starting to see her eye turn inwards again. Hopefully the surgery works well this time and her eye can be fixed with glasses alone and we can go on with our year not plagued by medical woes. Even if she does need another eye surgery, at least we know what to expect this time and it should be the last. A quiet night ahead with no chance of making it to midnight! Ever since we actually stood in Times Square for New Year's, over a decade ago now, the thrill of watching the ball dro

For three years now, we have brought the LO to see Santa Claus at the mall. And, aside from the first year when she was too young to understand anything, she has had a major meltdown because, quite frankly, she’s afraid of him. In fact, last year’s meltdown was so bad she never actually saw Santa, and he was no help because he just sat there waiting for us to leave and the next child to come like an assembly line. I think maybe he was actually the Grinch in disguise. But I had heard positive things about another Santa, closer to home, so one night after daycare last year I decided to drive by and give him a try since there was nobody waiting in line. Well, inevitably, she was still afraid and the tears came pouring down. But there was something special about the jolly old man in front of us. He was calm, he was patient, he was sincere, he was... no word of a lie, Santa. He has the bluest eyes, the warmest heart, and the kindest spirit. We managed to get a decent enough picture and

Every year I find myself being the expected organizer of activities, big and small, with friends, family and co-workers throughout the month of December. And, every year, I have found myself wondering who will step up and pick up my slack if I simply don’t feel like taking care of everything. Well, this year I got my answer. No one. And that’s OK! The people I rarely see but would make time for over the holidays, they haven’t even called. Most of the co-workers I would organize events with have all asked me what/when we are doing something, but none have volunteered to plan anything when I’ve told them I just wasn’t up to it. In fact, this year everyone seems “too busy anyway”, so I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t organize, right? As for family, or extended family to be clear, I will absolutely make the effort to keep up with them – just as soon as work is finished! Even if it’s just for a hot chocolate break between the chaos, they are the ones I will always make the time for.

In the words of Rachel Coleman (from the Signing Time series) I love... It's Potty Time! Yesterday the LO's daycare teacher called me over and asked if she could try to begin potty training her. She said all the other little girls in the class are already in underwear and they liked to show each other who they are wearing, pull everything down themselves and be independent. While we are using training pull-ups, they just aren't the same. I said she doesn't seem interested, at home, but absolutely, let's try! This morning I offered the LO her first pair of underwear and she adamantly refused. And the next one, and then the next one too. "I don't want those, I want the cat one" she insisted. The cat one is a Hello Kitty pull-up. DH and I said we weren't going to force it and he was about to out in the pull-up when it hit me... all the little girls like going to the bathroom and playing underwear show and tell! The underwear I was o

So, I couldn't decide between my little mince tart wallpaper that I posted yesterday and a more generic holiday image, so you get both to choose from! Surprise! December 2018

Slowly but surely, I am starting to understand my detachment from the holidays in recent years. Growing up I was surrounded by numerous traditions that were carried out, primarily, by my grandmother; Christmas stockings filled by Santa, a big turkey dinner surrounded by stuffing balls, fruit cake, warm mince tarts, finding treasure in the plum pudding, and – of course - Christmas crackers! But as she grew older, those traditions faded away. And, with her passing, those traditions are mostly all gone now. Yes, I celebrate the holidays with my in-laws and extended family each year, but I honestly can’t help but feel like a foreign body amidst the chaos. But this year has been different. As I watch my LO grow, and get a better understanding of the holidays, I am remembering how important all of those traditions were to me as a child; so important that we need to start putting some of our own into place. For years I didn’t even feel like putting up our artificial tree (lazy, rig

I spent the 6 months leading up to my first Mother’s Day in constant fear, panic and anxiety coupled with insomnia and exhaustion from having a newborn. While a big part of me wanted to blame everything on being a new mom, deep down I knew that it was mostly inside my head. After jumping through a number of hoops and hurdles of our medical system, I was finally referred to a psychiatrist who specialized in postpartum depression and anxiety and she quickly put me on antidepressants. They were not instantaneous, but I began to feel relatively “normal” again soon after. While I had every intention of coming off the meds within a year, I wasn’t at all ready. So, I stayed on them for an additional year and finally came off of them 6 months ago. But, while happy to be off of them, the last few months have proven to be extremely difficult. While my initial thinking was that it was circumstantial again, as there is a lot of crap going on around me at the moment, the acknowledgement that it may

Not a night has gone by when I haven't stopped by her door just to hear her breath. Lately, just before I turn in for the night, I can hear her giggling away through her dreams. It instantly brings a smile to my face and has, admittedly, made it easier for me to sleep at night as well. Looking back, I have to say that the “terrible-twos” weren't so terrible after all. But, I fully expect the trials and tribulations of a “threenager” are in our near future. She is strong willed, stubbornly independent and just a little bit impatient. But she is also kind, curious, generous and empathetic too. She is courageous. She is smart. And she is cheeky, with an amazing sense of humor and a contagious laugh! She always wants to be outside and loves to run errands, even if you’re just going out to get some gas. Everything is an adventure; from checking out the spooky Halloween stores to visiting all of the animals in the pet store, grocery shopping or just walking around the mall. She

I listen to The Beat 92.5 from the time I get into my car in the morning until I arrive home at night. Last month, the morning hosts did an exercise writing letters to their younger selves, and after crying in my car with each one (thanks guys), it was hearing Nikki's letter that made me decide to write my own. It is not an easy letter to write. As she said herself, the first attempt was quite harsh and critical... not at all what I wanted it to be! After numerous revisions, this is what I am comfortable sharing. So you just turned 15 and I'm nearing 40. I feel like receiving a letter from my future self at this age wouldn't have been appreciated as much as it should have, but knowing what I know now I assure you that it could have made a world of difference! So, here we go... You met a new best friend over the summer that you spend hours on the phone with and you think you've found the stability you've been searching for in a neighbor you consider to be

Its Halloween tomorrow, and the scariest part about it for me is that once it’s over it ushers in November, and the beginning of holiday madness - compounded by birthdays in this family too, argh! With the exception of my LO’s birthday (which is posing its own headache right now), I hate the period between now and early January! I work, full-time, in a job that is slowly sucking the joy out of me. DH travels, a fair bit, bringing about additional work-widow complications and stress. The LO’s medical concerns are at the forefront of my thoughts on a daily basis, especially during flu season. And, with birthday celebrations for both my daughter and niece, Christmas, and New Year’s back-to-back… let’s be honest, I’m left hanging by a thread most days! Let’s not even discuss the fact that (insert Game of Thrones music here) winter is coming! So the last thing I need is extra drama added to my already overwhelming to-do list while I keep up with the looming holiday shit show… but, the

Angry? Disappointed? Discouraged? Frustrated? Patient zero, I have been trying to figure out exactly how I have been feeling about you all day now... because you are the only culprit I have before me at this time. We had our follow-up with audiology this morning. Based on the progress our LO has been making these past weeks, I was optimistic. But, I left the hospital with so many unanswered questions feeling defeated, tears stinging my eyes all the way to work where I finally found a moment to just cry and let it all out. It appears that the new tube that was placed in her right ear is not working out as anticipated. The test they ran in July, before surgery, showed a hearing loss of 20%. Today, their results were the same. The results are not due to permanent damage, but rather fluid build up and still reversible. But, in addition, the tube itself may have been displaced again. And, this is where patient zero comes in to play. When it comes to sharing germs, some situations are unavoi

My first 3 sessions are over and I only have a couple more remaining from my current “package”. I feel as though my head is in a better place now, and my direction(s) are more clearly defined, but with limited sessions (provided by my employer) it is hard to get to the bottom of everything. As for the therapist herself, we actually knew each other from high school. We never really interacted, but we knew of one another. Initially I was apprehensive about this when booking with her, but my employer changed providers recently and their options were extremely limited. I reached out to let her know of the potential conflict, and we both agreed that it would not get in the way. She assured me that the decision was ultimately mine, and I am glad that I stuck with her! While we hung around very different crowds, way back when, she seems to have a lot of personal experiences aligned with my own that has helped provide a lot of insight for me. The top 3 challenges I have narrowed things down

You know that moment when you're holding your newborn baby and they open their eyes for the first time and you swear you can see them smile? That moment happened for me again, 2 weeks ago, only I know for sure she was smiling and I even managed to capture the moment with a quick snapshot. I previously mentioned that the Opthalmologist wanted to see us right after surgery. She gave us the standard debrief and followed up with some tips and tricks to help us through recovery. One of which was to be aware that our LO may be afraid to open her eyes, due to pain and/or light sensitivity, and that some children keep them closed for days. Had she not told us this I would have been worried, because that's exactly what she did for about 24 hours straight, and continued to do intermittently afterwards. The ride home from the hospital was quiet; unusual for our little girl. She had a cup of ice chips by her side and a tight grip on her little plastic spoon. Eyes shut tight, she would reac

I am glad I live in a world where there are Octobers... and Starbucks, because I am obsessed with Pumpkin Spice!!! Here's your October wallpaper! October 2018

It has been 9 days since our LO had two surgeries; one for strabismus (crossed eyes) and another to replace the tube in her ear that fell out soon after being placed one year ago. And, before I get to the details, I am happy to report that everything was a success! I will start with her ears since the explanation is simpler. Basically, she has had chronic ear infections since she was 4 months old. Last year, not yet 2yrs old, her ENT placed tubes in both ears to encourage better fluid drainage in order to help prevent infection. By the time she had her follow-up, 3 months later, one had already found its way out of her ear and we were dealing with the first of many more infections. Once the decision was made that she would be having eye surgery (requiring anesthesia), and after her eardrum partially ruptured causing us to have her ear vacuumed out twice in a week (not fun!), her ENT agreed to place a new tube in for us. Now, strabismus surgery... I myself had this surgery

Once again, I am amazed at the rollercoaster of emotions that one can experience in a day; it is truly phenomenal! Admittedly, I am already in a very fragile state, with far too much on my plate according to my therapist (not that I needed her observation on this as I am already highly aware), but yesterday was simply unbelievable. Since DH left late Saturday night so we are on our own. I typically leave errands for when he is away as it takes a good chunk out of the long day and our LO is a very content little shopper. She doesn’t typically throw tantrums and, when she does, they are quickly over and done with. But not this one! This one required every ounce of myself that I could muster and, even then, it left me mentally depleted. On the way to Wal-Mart I could see that she was falling asleep so I took the long way there to be sure she knocked out before I turned off the engine. Once parked, I left her sleep for a good 30 minutes so that she would be ok through shopping and lunch, b

I don’t remember how it came up exactly, but recently someone asked me what the biggest change was after becoming a mom. My answer was simple; priorities. My priorities were rarely ever static and they would always fluctuate throughout the year; too often work-related, frequently health oriented, often times centered on family or relationship issues, sometimes focused on friendships and not often enough about myself. But now, whatever order all of those fall in – my daughter always comes first. And I think this is why this past summer, these last few weeks, and the next 10 days have and will be extra difficult for me. Not because my daughter is my number one priority, but because I haven’t quite figured out how to make all the rest of it less of one. It is high-season at work, complicated by recent and ongoing health issues for myself, coupled with on and off work-widowing (about to happen again) and compounded by the LO’s upcoming eye and ear surgeries. All areas which I mistakenly be

While we don't go into our new classroom at daycare until Tuesday, the bus and metro are full of kids going back to school. And, with that, I rarely have an empty office myself! So, in honor of back to school, I bring you September's wallpaper. Good luck everyone! September 2018

It’s the end of August, so naturally Costco has their winter pajamas, boots and snowsuits out already! We went to pick up a few things last week and I was hoping to get some 2-piece winter PJ’s but they only had footed onesies. The LO tends to sleep without any covers on so maybe those aren’t so bad after all, aside from the fact that I hate them and potty training is around the corner! She isn’t a fan of pink, and prefers blue, so when I saw a heather grey pair covered in multicolored woodland creatures I thought she would approve, or at least compromise. I showed them to her and got an immediate “no, pas ca” in response. I looked across the table and saw that the only other options were extra girly, so they wouldn’t do either. I was about to move on and then I saw her staring at something on the “boys” side of the table. I told her to go and choose one, thinking she would pick the goofy blue monster, but instead she pulled off another heather grey pair… covered in bright yellow

It never ends! Along with belated birthday wishes today, I was faced with numerous variations of "did you at least get what you wanted?", mostly from co-workers surprised to see me on my day off (which turned into half a day because daycare is closing early on Friday and I couldn't afford 2 full days at this time of year). And yes, I did get what I had hoped for... for the most part, anyhow. Only, I'm not sure how successful I was, considering all of the days preceeding it; arguing with people, defending my wishes, conceeding to some because I no longer had the energy to fight it and so on. I mean, all that for one day of peace! Was it worth it? Do people not understand that they, in effect, contribute to my birthday funk? Well, next year, problem solved! I have decided that I will, in fact, throw myself a party for the big 4-0. And I will ONLY invite those who haven't previously FORCED me to celebrate, in celebration of THEIR understanding of my wishes! S

Yup, just another year until the big one! In a few days I will turn 39 years old. And, as usual, I have made it abundantly clear that I want absolutely nothing for it and, once again, I feel like I will have to defend my choices. In fact I already have and I know that more is coming. Yippee! Most years I go through the minimum amount of motions simply to appease those around me, because that is the only way I will find one ounce of peace. Usually when someone asks me for gift ideas I tell them I don’t want or need anything, but that answer is never enough. So, last year, I played along and gave everyone the same idea for both my birthday and Christmas too. One simple thing I really wanted and needed help with. And, you know what happened? Not one person listened. Not one person got it for me. Not because it was extravagant, expensive or anything like that either. In fact, it could have cost as little as 5$ to infinite amounts! But, no one listened. No one heard. No one cared. No one

I am not quite sure how I feel about this morning’s appointment and plan of action. First the doctor said he couldn’t access the culture results from DH and the LO as they were not his patients. I told him that the clinic we went to assured me that he could look on the provincial system using their medicare card numbers, to which he paused, saying “well, I guess I COULD do that” with a long sigh. Seriously? Do you need some espresso next time I come in? He slowly went into the system and confirmed what we had already learned; DH was still negative even on his culture and the LO was positive. Next he went over my test results. He said that he was surprised to learn that the culture he took, himself, had also come back positive. Funny how that happens after a handful of previous tests said the same thing! In addition, my blood tests were not what he expected. He explained that everyone has strep colonies in them, the levels of which can be seen through a simple blood test. Mine, howe

Oh, where to begin!? I guess my family doctor said it best; generally speaking I am in good health, but when he sees me he knows that it will be something interesting! Frustrating for me, but at least I keep him on his toes. Last April, kind of out of nowhere, I came down with a fever, chills and a tremendously sore throat. I grew up plagued with strep so I knew the symptoms quite well! And, sure enough, that was what was diagnosed. Since I was finally proven to be NOT allergic to Penicillin, after thinking I was for about 20 years, they prescribed it hoping my body would react well. After feeling like I had been hit by a truck for the first 48 hours, I bounced back quite well from then on. Until about 3 days after I finished the medication…. Again, out of nowhere, chills and a sore throat. I went back to the clinic and the rapid strep test came back positive once more. To be certain, they did a culture as well and I was given a different version of Penicillin and told I should b

A couple of few weeks ago I started to go through my collection of images to work on the August wallpaper, but things got busy and I decided to put it aside figuring I had more than enough time to pull something together. Today, over lunch, I looked down at my office phone and noticed that it is already the last day of July! This month has gone by in the blink of an eye! Being work-widowed, pulling together DH's birthday picnic, a few trips to the clinic and hospital for the LO's recurring ear infections, a mini family getaway to our nation's capital and poof! Gone! I will find some time to write more soon, but for now here is August's wallpaper! August 2018 And for a lighter touch, Wallpaper 2.0! August 2018

In my opinion... You abused your power. You attacked my character. You humiliated me. You intimidated me. You lied about me. I was shocked. I was angry. I felt helpless. I became anxious. I was hurt. There is a fine line between tough love and bullying, but what occurred behind those doors has always been clear in my mind. I lost the respect I once had for you, but what I lost in you I found in myself. Days went by and turned to weeks, weeks turned into months, and those months have now turned into a year. I am changed... but not negatively as I had first expected. I have realized that sometimes change is good. And, sometimes, unexpected change is exactly what you needed to figure things out for yourself. I've realized that sometimes the things we hold onto most are, in fact, the things we need to let go of.

Another week as a work widow is coming to an end... 8hrs and counting! And, tomorrow is not only Fri-yay but it is DH's birthday too! The big 4-2! Which means he should have all of the answers to the meaning of life, the universe and everything, right? Yes, geek reference, but it's appropriate! I don't have much planned for him this year. Dinner somewhere or other tomorrow night and hopefully a family picnic if the weather co-operates. Right now they predict rain so we shall see. Things may turn out to be more low-key than we planned!

She called us monsters… This happened 2 years ago, but the memory is still quite raw; like it happened yesterday. There are periods of the year that I am haunted by memories of my past, and this is now one of them. Very few people know about this experience, but it’s time I finally get it off my chest. We took our second, ever, extended family vacation. We were all staying in one wood cabin; our little family of 3 with the, then, 8 month old baby and my in-laws - a family of 4 plus Nonna too. This was their first time at the campground DH and I frequently called home during summer and my first time venturing out, traveling, with postpartum anxiety… only a month and a half after starting treatment. Not great timing although, with or without meds, this trip would have been high on my anxiety scale. Every fiber of my being worried. My mind was scattered and my heart was racing. Not only were we all under one roof, but Nonna was also in the car with us – a total invasion of my pers

Recently I saw that our Indigo Bookstore would be holding a free event, for children aged 3-6, introducing a relatively new toy from Fisher-Price called the “Think & Learn Rocktopus”. I was excited because a lot of the events they hold are usually aimed towards slightly older children and we never really get to participate, and because getting to try something before you buy is priceless! I immediately registered for the event and looked up the toy as well. It wasn’t easy to find as it has only been out for a few months, but I managed to find it on Amazon at about 55USD or 77CAD! Quite a steep price tag, so it had better be good! Think & Learn Rocktopus by Fisher-Price As you can see from the picture, it is super cute! But aside from cuteness, it is a mini music lovers dream! The toy boasts 15 musical instruments, 5 musical styles, and 3 separate ways to play. It incorporates Math, Music and Play at an appropriate level. It has fun lights and colors that help guide

I never thought I would be referring to this, but you know that scene, from Family Guy? Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Lois Griffin: WHAT?! Stewie Griffin: Hi. [Runs off giggling] That scene used to be hilarious for me… until it became my everyday life. And I am not even referring to being a mom! Lately I feel like too many people have become overly dependent on me, both in my personal life and at the office. And, as their needs grow exponentially I am plain and simply becoming tapped out! I have needs too! And right now I honestly just need to NOT be needed for a while! Without getting into depth about my job, let’s just say that I am part of a team of people who support thousands of clients every day, and approximately 1300 of them are more specifically assigned to me. And, the majority of these clients are “Millennials”... a generatio

When parents mix together more than 75 years of combined medical history into the DNA of their LO, sometimes they just need to hope for best and pray they don’t end up with the worst! You can never truly know what will happen once you mix up the genetic cocktail that becomes your child. We would often joke about whose teeth we would prefer our future child to inherit (mine) or whose eye color we hoped for most (his), but it is quite clear after her short 2.5 years that we are currently following my medical history so far; recurrent ear infections and then ear tubes, and then her sudden onset of strabismus as well. While it is comforting to be dealing with familiar territory, it is also painful to watch your child struggle and know that there is just nothing you can do about it but hold their hand and be strong for them when they are scared. It’s my job – right? So, earlier this week we followed up with Ophthalmology, Audiology and the ENT… not necessarily in that order, and some more t

Living in La Belle Province presents us with two long weekends back to back to kick off the summer; one for La Fete Nationale du Quebec (Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day) and one for Canada Day. I like being around home for the latter, but prefer to be away for the former. Maybe because it is a “French” holiday, or maybe just because I feel the need to get away and can’t wait any longer! More than once we have been up north for this holiday, where the population is much more francophone, and it has been surprisingly quiet! I think they all leave their smaller towns and head out to Montreal and Quebec City to celebrate, or off to their cottages to party with friends. Either way, it makes the experience quite pleasant for us! Not that I have anything against French people, as I am half French myself, but I prefer serenity when I try to get away from it all. This year we visited Santa’s Village – his home away from the North Pole. There was a petting zoo, small activities like an electric tra