I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

It's new year's eve and I guess that means I should be posting something wise, profound and inspirational. Or maybe a resolution to be broken a few weeks in to the new year? I'm not sure if I have any of that, but I have my truth so here it goes. I'm 40 years old. I've learned from most of my mistakes, but there will be more to make. Nobody's perfect. I recognize that I owe the biggest apology to myself for putting my younger self through things I didn't deserve. But, I am thankful for my struggles because they showed me my strengths. Strengths that I need now. I swear like a sailor and use please and thank you like a saint. I'm complicated like that. I over analyze things because I'm nervous about what could happen if I'm not prepared. I either give too many fucks, or no fucks at all. I haven't quite found the balance yet. Sometimes I shut down for days and don't really talk to anyone, but most days I can't keep quiet for more t

Another year, another 52-week savings challenge complete and $1378 in the vacation fund! Actually, more than that, because I would randomly throw extra money into the account throughout the year that I didn’t need to be wasting! And, that was a good decision, because with a big year ahead of me I am hoping to go away a little bit longer than usual after I recover so every penny counts! I think this is the third year that I have done this, and every time a couple more people get on board so with 2020 around the corner here are the details again: For anyone who decides to join me, I still highly recommend doing it backwards; start with 52$ the first week and by the holidays you will be down to single digit deposits. It is much less stressful this way and, like last year, I finished my Christmas shopping early and simply made donations through the month of December to places like the Montreal Children’s hospital, Easter Seals Kids in support of my BFF and so on as I didn’t have to

Over the summer I mentioned that major lifestyle and nutrition changes were on the horizon, and now that they are closer than ever I figured it was time to let everyone in on the secret. About 2.5yrs ago, my endocrinologist spoke to me about bariatric surgery, specifically a gastric sleeve, in order to help me lose weight as well as (hopefully) reverse my diabetes. My initial reaction was nope, no way, not going to happen and she told me to just go home and think about it. Which I did, a lot, before calling her office a couple of weeks after and asking her to put in the referral. In part because I knew that the waiting list was quite long and in part because I know she wouldn’t have suggested it if she didn’t truly think I would benefit from it. I told myself that I would try and make the changes myself while I waited and once they called me, I could always tell them that I wasn’t interested. Well, they finally called last summer and I hadn’t made the progress I would have liked so

Apparently, I am really bad at keeping up with #CurrentlyReading, because once again I am late posting as this book is already finished! Clearly I have been reading more than writing these days! Actually, I tend to do that when I discover a new author. Plus, I wanted to get though all of her other stand alone novels in anticipation of her new book, The Wives , coming out later this week.  And that brings me to: Atheists Who Kneel and Pray by Tarryn Fisher It wasn’t a bad read, but I did struggle to get through it because I was losing interest in the subject. With the other books, I liked that I wasn’t always able to predict the outcomes, the psychological aspect to them, the twists and turns; but this one was very straight forward. Which is funny, because that’s the type of story I once preferred, but now I find myself needing something that uses your brain a little more. So, overall, this is how Tarryn Fisher’s books stacked up for me: 2019 F*ck Marriage – loved it, and

The moment I have been waiting for has arrived! This is the last wallpaper of 2019 and the last wallpaper I will be making for a while! I know that a few people are upset with me about this, but I am over the moon... Again, sorry, not sorry! December 2019

Run away, but we're running in circles Run away, run away... YouTube Playlist - IABYA

Another trip around the sun and we wake up to a 4 year old this morning! It really is unbelievable how fast time flies when you get to watch your LO grow. And grow she has! My little dinosaur loving, horseback riding, rock collecting, pine cone hoarding, truck and car enthusiast is simply flourishing. She likes to help around the house, set the table, clean up her toys and I even caught her cleaning the shower walls the other day! She has tried more foods at her age than I had at 20, but if she could live on Eggo waffles, sausages, apples and cheese alone – she would! She has always been, and still is, our unicorn child. She continues to have more empathy in her little finger than kids twice her age, but hearing her ability to express it now (verbally) has made it that much more amazing. I absolutely love her goofiness, her ear to ear smile, and her infectious laugh (even when it comes out as an evil sounding cackle at times). Her “joie de vivre” is admirable. If you ask he

My daughter surprised me a couple of nights ago. She happily took out about a dozen My Little Ponies, lined them up, had me help her brush their hair one by one and made sure we didn’t stop until they were all “nice and pretty”. Nothing unusual for an almost 4-year-old, right? Wrong. Not MY daughter. She has clearly rejected the majority of “girl-related” anything since she was able to convey her feelings to us. She has never played with dolls, dislikes princesses, rejects dresses, and so on. She prefers cars, trucks, everything blue, and dinosaurs which is completely fine by me! All of her friends are boys and she has always been outnumbered by them at her daycare so this may explain a few things. But, I admit that I am not overly girly either, so I get it. In either case, our child does not conform to gender roles, and that is totally OK! She’s different, but she is thriving and we love every ounce of her – whether she refers to herself as a girl OR a boy. That said, I am als

Remember when I said I go through reading droughts and then I simply devour books? Well, I did it again, because I actually liked Tarryn Fisher's F*ck Marriage so much, I went on to speed through F*ck Love , I Can Be A Better You (aka Bad Mommy) and now I am almost done with Mud Vein too! F*ck Love by Tarryn FIsher I Can Be A Better You by Tarryn Fisher Mud Vein by Tarryn Fisher Despite the similarity in some of the titles, these books are not part of a series. However, she does have a few series and I plan to read those after I am done with all of the standalone books. Her stories have an aspect of romance to them, but in a dark and twisted way; they are mysterious, thriller style, suspenseful and psychological. Totally not chick-lit, but I cannot put them down! I have not been reading them in the order they were written, and because of this I can see a change in her writing - an improvement. The earlier books

Hair is grey and the fires are burning So many dreams on the shelf You say I wanted you to be proud of me I always wanted that myself When you gonna make up your mind When you gonna love you as much as I do When you gonna make up your mind 'Cause things are gonna change so fast YouTube Playlist - IABYA

It's the second to last month of these god awful, boring, uninspired wallpapers! GAH! Yes, I know that one or two people are extremely annoyed that I am stopping these, but... I will say it again, sorry, not sorry! Truthfully, though, I have actually been finding my creativity again and living in Photoshop as much as possible these days, so yay! I even launched a new DeviantArt page after killing my old one. I will not be posting everything up there, as some of the projects are very personal, but I will put pieces up from time to time. I am currently working on a 3 panel set for the LO's big girl room but have not decided yet if those will be made public; probably not. I have had a couple of pieces stolen over the years and I don't feel like dealing copyright infringement at this point of my life. So, without further ado... November 2019 November 2019

I realize I have yet to fully explain why, but I posted my "Food Bucket List" back in August and thanks to help from a couple of people it is almost complete! Here's a recap of everything I wanted to accomplish, if you can call it an accomplishment! The Food Bucket List (in no particular order) Madame Cannoli Patisserie & Café – Still need to get to this place! I know a couple of people who wanted to try it as well so I have to start planning! Garde Manger – We went, and it was fantastic! We went a little over the top this time, but after not going for a few years, it was so worth it! Bramble House – We went, their freezers were empty, so I still haven't managed to fulfill this one. And we probably won't make it back there unfortunately *sniff*.  Pizza No.900 – I brought the LO for brunch right around the corner from here last weekend and it never even occurred to me to go for pizza instead! Next time. Orange Julep – Thank you DH, but fee

I don't think I read one book the whole way through all summer long; I just couldn't get into anything. Once Fall started I finished off all of the remaining chick-lit reads I had lined up and then I read a couple of self-helps books recommended by my therapist and a couple of friends as well, and then the Friend Zone book I mentioned in my last post. While the last book wasn't amazing by any means, it did remind me that there are other authors out there that I should try! So, I went scouring for something new and I was pleasantly surprised by what I found! F*ck Marriage by Tarryn Fisher I couldn't put this book down! I was that girl with her nose in her book (now, cellphone) all the way to work again. It's a little bit chick-lit, a little bit romance (usually NOT my thing) and a little bit of heartbreak too. Divorce, affairs, engagements, and a really popular blog as the office setting! And the title was misleading, as in it does not condemn marriage the

The other day a friend mentioned that she had nothing to read and was looking for suggestions. I told her that I had exhausted all of my usual authors myself and had been picking up some random books these last couple of months. At that time I was reading "The Friend Zone" by Abby Jimenez, a cheap Wal-Mart find that wasn't totally horrible. Not a glowing review, is it? I will work on that! The Friend Zone by Abby Jimenez Anyhow, we got to talking and she actually remembered that I used to have a widget on my blog displaying my digital bookshelf and she said she kind of missed it. While I don't feel like starting that up again, because most of my traffic is click-through and subscriber based, I thought I would start a new #CurrentlyReading hashtag so you can find book suggestions (or cautions) whenever you wanted to. Now, bear with me, I either go through a book a week... sometimes more, or I don't touch a book for months. I am kind of a book bipolar!

Her name is Christy Quinn Marshall and her recent Facebook post is going viral through mom tribes all around me because it's the most honest, open and raw summary of all our lives right now; spelling mistakes and all! Christy, thank you!  I’m angry. I feel like things never stop piling up. The laundry. The housework. The forms, homework and fundraisers. The bellies that need fed. My ever growing team needs (and deserves!) a solid and powerful leader.  Pressure! Everywhere! The dog needs walked. The van needs cleaned. The friendships need watered. My inbox blows up. Texts that don’t get a text back. The rules on life can be so burdensome. Don’t give them red dye or too much screen time. Keep them away from this app and that site. Make sure they never forget their folder or lunchbox. Get them to this place on time. Remember what color jersey for the game. Oh and tend to your marriage because that ish will completely fall apart the moment you do not. Oh,

Watching my daughter, with her head on the pillow beside me, in that moment between being awake and falling asleep. Hearing an artist you love perform live for the very first time with one of your besties screaming along with you right by your side. Tasting the unique, rich and unexpected flavors of food paired on the plate in front of you at a restaurant you can only afford to eat at once a year, at most! The indescribable smell that fills the air of the plane when the wheels touch down in my home away from home... I wish I could bottle it along with their sand. And lastly, feeling the warmth of a hug from a dear friend you haven't seen in some time (or maybe you just saw them yesterday, who cares).

But now the day bleeds Into nightfall And you're not here To get me through it all I let my guard down And then you pulled the rug I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved... PS. This video, and others, can now be found on my YouTube Playlist - IABYA

I am not going to lie, I am so sick of making these!!! I will carry on through New Year's, because a few of you have asked, but then I am done! Working on a new monthly idea. Sorry, not sorry! October 2019

Oh my goodness! We don't have the same mom, or even the same dad, but my BFF of 30+ years is the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. Earlier tonight I logged on to Facebook to the sweetest, heartwarming, message from her and I had to share. Dear Friend, This is my promise of sisterhood. You are allowed bad moods, bad days, and bad seasons.  I will not judge you by your vent sesh and I know you won’t judge me by mine. I will tell you when there’s stuff in your teeth and that your beard hair is sprouting again. When hard things swallow you up you can borrow my faith, because someday soon I will need to borrow yours. I will embrace your differences. I might not be wired the same way as you, but loving you means loving all of you. You might drink tea, I drink coffee. You might homeschool, I do public. You might organize your cupboards, I do the stuff and slam. It doesn’t matter how we are different, we don’t need to be the same to be besties. I will never use you or take ad

1965 Dean's Gift Book of Nursery Rhymes, illustrated by Janet & Anne Grahame Johnstone I remember hearing my Nana recite this this nursery rhyme when I was growing up. I don’t think she was specifically implying that it reminded her of me, but now that I am older, I am beginning to wonder. Specifically, the part that says “ When she was good, She was very, very good, But when she was bad, she was horrid ”. I’m not going to lie, it has been a rough month and a half or so. I would say that this is the longest struggle I have ever had with anxiety and depression while medicated! About 10 days ago, I wrote that I thought I had everything under control and that I believed the worst of the storm had passed… but, wow, was I ever wrong! Earlier this week my moods were changing rapidly, with no clear reason as to why, and I want to say worse than I have ever experienced in recent years. On Wednesday, I simply couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped. Long story short, I was at w

Since I was 17 I've always hated my body And it feels like my body's hated me Can somebody find me a pill To make me un-afraid of me? Seen every therapist, but I'm a cynical bitch Don't like to talk about my feelings I take another hit, I find another fake fix 'Cause it's easier than healing I don't wanna be this way forever Keep telling myself that I'll get better Every time I try, I always stop me Maybe I'm just scared to be happy Since I was 22 I've been with somebody who loves me And I've been tryna believe it's true But my head always messes up my heart No matter what I do Seen every therapist, but I'm a cynical bitch Don't like to talk about my feelings I take another sip, I swear it's my last fix 'Cause it's easier than healing 'Cause I don't wanna be this way forever Keep telling myself that I'll get better Every time I try, I always stop me Maybe I'm just scared to

So here's the thing about anxiety, and depression, it doesn't take a look at your schedule and find a place to fit itself in. It shows up when and where it wants to and manifests itself however it chooses to. It doesn't ask you which combination of symptoms you prefer or who you want to lash out at today, it just acts. It manipulates you. It plays on your fears, your doubts and your worries. Everything is what-if and worst case scenario. On the right dose, my medication kept things manageable. Well, not quite. On the right dose, I was numb; I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. But maybe that's what I needed. In fact, it's what I need right now! What worked a year ago seems less effective this year. Day by day, it is ruining my ability to fall asleep at night, which in turn is killing my concentration during the day. I worry about everything and my mind never relaxes. Even my dreams don't stop when I finally do fall asleep at night. I am constantly questio

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now there's a steel knife, in my windpipe I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight High off of love drunk from my hate It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me, And I love it, wait Where you going, I'm leaving you No you ain't, come back We're running right back, here we go again It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane But when it's bad, it'

Have you ever been walking through the grocery store and found that cake mixes and icing were on sale for 1$ each and next thing you knew you were home baking a cake for no particular occasion? Well, consider yourself lucky, because in more remote areas that same cake mix can cost upwards of 10$ and the icing 15$ or more! With prices like that you would think twice about baking an any day cake, and for those who could not afford it birthdays would not be the same. I mean, who doesn’t want to blow out the candles on their birthday cake and make a wish? And this is where the Northern Birthday Box Project comes in! A friend participated with her children and was talking about it so I took a look and found this description on their Facebook page: This page was created to assist in bringing birthday fun to children aged 1-17, living in remote and Northern Canada. Completed birthday applications must be submitted at least 2 months before the child's birthday in order to qualify for a b

Like clockwork, as the summer days began to fade away, something inexplicable came over me and I felt like I was unraveling again. A feeling that I have felt countless times before, but it wasn’t until last fall that I even knew what it was, medically speaking. In addition to the already known Generalized Anxiety Disorder that took over my life soon after giving birth, I was finally diagnosed with Season Affective Disorder (SAD). I suppose that I should be grateful that I finally have a name for what has plagued me and only gotten worse with age, but it’s so ambiguous; it’s not something that you can see, touch, or even fully explain to another human being really which can be extremely frustrating. SAD has been quite easy to manage on the right dosage of meds, but it’s like walking a tightrope when they are the slightest bit off. I weaned down over summer (instead of completely off like I did last year - big mistake) and was told to be sure that I was back up to my full dose befo

It's funny how strangers can become best friends just as easily as best friends can become strangers to one another. What may have started with a simple hello, might suddenly end with a complicated goodbye. This has happened to me a handful of times and I remember that I was never even mad about it... I was just very hurt, and that's a very specific difference. It hurts when someone who made you feel so special yesterday, can make you feel so unwelcome today. I think the hardest part is not talking to someone you used to talk to every day. I mean, to just ignore each other, try to pretend the other doesn't exist, but deep down knowing that it wasn't supposed to be that way isn't easy. And it doesn't matter if it was a relationship or a friendship; when it ends your heart breaks. In fact, in my experience, close friends have broken my heart in ways partners could never dream of! But, in many cases, even if they broke my heart, I still loved them with each and eve

I'm not late, but I am also horribly uninspired. I am so overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now that I barely had time to think about this, let alone put it together. My mood is very black and white right now as well, but I didn't want to reflect that for a whole month so I went with a muted yellow. September 2019 As year end is quickly approaching, I am playing around with other ideas for monthly wallpapers because these calendars are getting quite mundane for me. I rarely use them anymore, and I originally created them for myself! Happy back-to-school everyone!

I have always known that we would be a one and done family. I have said it 1000 times and even gotten upset when people have questioned me about having a sibling for our LO. I also just turned 40 and, subconsciously, that was always another cut off for me should we have decided to change our minds. But opening my email Tuesday morning to a message from our fertility clinic about our 6 remaining embryos jarred me. We could either keep them frozen for a yearly fee of 350$, discard them, donate them for research and teaching or donate them to a woman/couple that needed them. 350$ per year seemed like a waste of money since we do not plan to use them. If i were younger, i would have considered this but not now. Discarding them, while an option many choose, seems to be a waste. I worked hard for those embryos! If they aren't going to become little humans, they should still be productive in some way after all those blood, sweat and tears. Donation for research and teaching had always be

With 40 years looming around the corner, I’ve gotta say… adulting is hard! I mean, generally speaking, everything is under control – but it takes effort to make it look easy! I generally do nothing for my birthday; dinner with DH and the LO and that’s about it. But, every decade or so I like to mix things up a little. I agreed to let my co-workers throw me a little birthday lunch which was held yesterday. It was small, with a guest list that I created, so that was fantastic! Friday I originally had plans for a 5 a 7 but those have fallen through and we will be doing my MIL’s birthday instead. Saturday I have reserved a table for about 15 of us at a kids amusement center. People keep asking me why I would do that for MY birthday and all I can say is that I wouldn’t be me without my LO so, why not? Plus, foam ball air cannons I can shoot people with… I mean, duh! And Sunday is the BIG DAY. Dinner with a couple of dozen friends and family followed by a custom ordered birthday cake all f

You and me were always with each other Before we knew the others was ever there You and me we belong together Just like a breath needs the air I told you if you called I would come runnin' Across the highs the lows and the in between You and me we've got two minds that think as one And our hearts march to the same beat They say everything it happens for a reason You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark, Oh that's you and me You and me we're searching' for the same light Desperate for a cure to this disease Well some days are better than others, But I fear no thing as long as you're with me They say everything' it happens for a reason You… You and me we're searching' for the same light Desperate for a cure to this disease Well some days are better than others, But I fear no thing as long as you're w

Sorry beloved Old El Paso Taco Kit, but I doubt you will not be making a recurring appearance in my house ever again! There is a new love in my life, I think I have died and gone to taco heaven! In July we went to the annual Kahnawake Pow Wow for the first time in a couple of years. As always, there are dance competitions, drumming, singing, artisans and a wide variety of Native foods to sample. I have always been a huge fan of frybread, a flat dough that is fried and eaten alone or with various toppings (both savory and sweet). This year, I decided to try the Amerindian Taco which was a base of frybread topped with traditional Mexican toppings and it was delicious, especially on a hot scorching summer day! So, last night, I made them at home… and they turned out AMAZING! To simplify things, I cheated a little and bought pre-made pizza dough to fry as the recipe is pretty similar. Fried pizza dough While they were frying I sautéed some onions, finely chopped some lettuce, d

In the coming months, my relationship with food will change, drastically. I have anticipated this change for about a year and a half now, but it's different when the months become weeks and you know that the weeks will inevitably turn into days; sooner rather than later. And that is why I have started somewhat of a bucket list... a food bucket list to be precise. I am trying to enjoy a few of my favorite things, in the shortest amount of time, without being gluttonous in the process. I know that I won’t get to all of these, but I have checked off a couple in the last month and a few more are scheduled for the weeks to come. I am including details below in case any of you want to check off some spots for me! And, if you do, let me know how it was! The Food Bucket List (in no particular order) Madame Cannoli Patisserie & Café – This is Montreal’s first cannoli bar and it just opened this summer. You can choose from 14 different fillings, 21 toppings and 21 Belgium chocol

I know, I know, I'm late! Well, technically not as today is August 1st, but I usually post well before! So without further ado, here are your August wallpapers! August 2019 August 2019 - Quote

So, one thing I learned the first time I went completely healthy, while pregnant, was that Bagels are the devil to a diabetic! Full of carbs, calories, sugar, and nothing particularly healthy about them. And then there is what you choose to put ON TOP of your bagel as well; butter, cream cheese, eggs, bacon, Nutella… the list goes on! But, they are so convenient to just grab and go! And that is why I finally decided to try and make the “Weight Watchers Bagel”. While I am not following the Weight Watchers diet in any way, nor endorsing them, their recipes are a good fit to a healthier lifestyle. DH was in the US for work, so I asked him to pick up some of Trader Joe's “Everything But The Bagel Sesame Seasoning” packed full of sea salt, garlic and onion. Once he got home, I went out and bought the self-rising flour and low-fat Greek yogurt and made a double batch of mini-bagels right away. The recipe I used can be found at Lord Byron’s Kitchen . And, for once, I followed the rec