I AM - BECAUSE YOU ARE

The first half of the year wasn’t so bad, maybe even the first 2/3, but the end just royally sucked! I would love a redo from mid-August onward, but since that won’t happen… on to 2018! I have been holding on to this quote by Chanda Kaushik for some time, and it seems like the perfect chance to share it now. “I have outgrown many things. I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support. I have outgrown my need to meet my family’s unrealistic expectations of me. I have outgrown women who wear masks and secretly rejoice at misfortunes. I have outgrown shrinking myself for men who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature. I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments. I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear whenever life gets a little dark. I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity. I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced. I have outgrown those who don’t take a s...

As soon as I knew we were having a little girl, I dreaded one particular toy market we were headed towards in the future… dolls! I had over 100 Barbie dolls growing up myself, with all the accessories, and now that I am on the other side of the purchasing I understand the 1000 other times I was simply told NO! Dolls in general, Barbie or not, seem to have two prices – falling apart cheap and over the top pricy! But through my research I found that there are a select few manufacturers that are priced affordably, right in the middle, and the dolls themselves really appealed to me; namely Sears Canada’s Newberry Doll. I figured in a few years I would go out to the Department Store and let her choose her very own, hoping she didn’t discover the difference between these dolls and their pricier counterparts. And then Sears announced bankruptcy! Damnit! I went online and found a couple of dolls that I liked the most and raced to Sears as soon as liquidations started. Of course, tons o...

For the longest time our LO had little to no interest in television aside from her Baby Signing Time videos; until 18 months at least. Not a bad thing, but sometimes we wished she would watch something on her own  just so we could get 10 minutes of peace to whip up dinner or jump in the shower! Well that day finally came last summer when she fell in love with Masha and the Bear, an originally Russian animated television series for children, and not not a day goes by that we don't watch at least one episode! Thankfully, I am quite fond of the series myself so I really don't mind. I mean, I was excited when Season 3 showed up on Netflix! And, for those of you who know it, am I the only one who thinks the parents must have died in the beaten up ambulance only to be eaten by the wolves, leaving Masha in the care of Bear? Or is it just me? Anyhow, so, funny story... despite the fact that one doesn't remember the conversation and the other wasn't nearly as amused as we w...

I've spent countless holidays with loved ones I will never see again, and I've spent some of them alone too. Many of the traditions I grew up with have been lost along the way, while new ones have been found. But the best thing that ever happened, the best gift I could have received, was the arrival of this little girl 2 years ago... right before the holidays! For years the holidays were nothing but miserable for me, they were really difficult. But she brought Christmas back, because now I see everything through her eyes! The wonder of the Christmas tree, the fear of Santa (hopefully that changes), the delight in opening her presents and the genuine joy in her eyes. Her smile lights up the room and fills my heart. Christmas really doesn't come from a store... because with this LO in my life, it means a whole lot more!

Today my home becomes a warehouse to boxes of mason jars filled with love, aka cooking and baking ingredients. These jars are part of a fundraiser I decided to launch in order to help my BFF raise funds for her sons custom wheelchair. Overall I didn't sell as many as I had hoped, but still far more than I had expected... if that makes sense. Mostly co-workers purchased them as they make great gifts, which is actually how this all came about to begin with! I was looking for affordable Christmas gifts for daycare and that was when I found Recettes en Pot (Recipes in Jars). I need gifts for 10 teachers this year so costs add up quickly! Add a couple extra for home, some for co-workers and my order alone became 20 jars! They are only 10$ each, and half of that goes directly to the fund so it was a no-brainer. I could have supported another local cause of my choosing, as they are all listed on the website, but I decided to contact the company to start my own campaign...

Well, it's that time of year again. The wonderful, stressful, holiday season. I am trying not to let it get to me but it always does. My work, which used to be a pleasant distraction, is only adding to the pile this time around as well.That said, I have tried to keep spirits up at home for the LO and I think I am doing a pretty good job. Last year I bought 2 very special hand made Christmas elves from a local, amazing, seamstress; both girls, lovingly named Danica (mine, a potential girl's name I will never use) and Marshmallow Snowflake (for the LO until she names the elf herself). This year, I added to the collection with our little blue-eared deer, named Larimar (after my favorite stone found in my favorite vacation spot). What I love most about the deer is that he is in the same fabric used for Marshmallow and they make a perfect pair! These two will always belong to my daughter, near or far. And, I guess next year it will be time to add a boy elf for DH since he doesn...

It seems unreal to me now, but 3 years ago today we found out that our first FET with our new doctor had failed. Yes, this was technically our 3rd failure, 5th embryo, and we were pros at failure by now... but this one was different. It had taken some convincing to go back into treatment and start all over again. Even though I knew in my gut that this doctor would be the right fit, the thought of changing clinics and starting at square one again was daunting! But, in hindsight, it was worth more than words can describe! From our first appointment with him, everything was just different. He got it, he got me! He understood where things went wrong and how to make them right again. He had answers for my million and one questions, and believe me when I say I asked them all! He was so on point with everything that we learned from this failure and went on to have a successful pregnancy the next time around. A pregnancy that turned out perfect, but was at risk early on. A ...

As I come upon my 17yr work anniversary,  all in the same department, I realize that I am also at the half way point to early retirement; freedom 55!!! That doesn't mean that I plan to retire then, or ever as I don't know what I would do with so much free time, but I will have the option to. So, naturally, all of the work-related turmoil that started this past summer (and continues now, but in a different way) is starting to feel a bit like a career midlife crisis! I am pretty sure that I have become the "problem child" in the eyes of management, but as a mentor pointed out to me... I am simply trying to guide my ship through calm waters, it is others who are creating the stormy conditions. It has taken me a whole year since returning from maternity leave to understand that my 9-5 is now my part time job. My daughter is my priority, 24/7, and for that to work the way I want it to (the way it should) I need to be happy. And, to put it simply, I am not. I've com...

So, I started making my own desktop wallpapers a few months ago and I even included a calendar on each one so that I don't have to go searching for one every time I need to know what day it is. I make these mainly for myself, but I share them with a few others as well. I am sharing my December 2017 wallpaper here to see what kind of response it gets. If this is something everyone wants, then I will be happy to continue sharing my monthly wallpapers! Here you are! December 2017 Holiday Wallpaper

I took the day off yesterday with the best of intentions, but things did not work out as planned... and that's OK! Half way through the LO’s Birthday Party on Sunday, at a toddler amusement center, I became severely nauseous. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but I knew it was bad so I raced home and that’s when it hit… gastro! Yup, 11 long and endless hours of it! Thankfully we had taken 2 cars to get there so DH was able to stay and let the LO run around a while longer while I rested. Monday morning I hear DH up in the bathroom. Sure enough, he had it now as well. Thankfully the LO was fine so off to daycare she went. We both missed work and stayed home to sleep; DH at the beginning of it all, myself in pain from head to toe and now coughing too. Tuesday was supposed to be a quick check-up with the pediatrician followed by a birthday fun day; a visit to our old playgroup and an afternoon with some friends. But, I wasn’t the only one up coughing all night! Sure enough, medi...

As I reset the numbers on a date stamp in the office today, I realized it had been one year since I had returned to work from my maternity leave... And then, I got depressed. Because had I been able to take an additional year of like I had wanted, today would have been my first day back. Because had today been my first day back, I wouldn't have had to endure the turmoil I experienced at the office this past summer. Because while I still love my job... I cannot breathe in my environment. Because I am fed up... of not being listened to, not being heard.. and feeling like I am nothing but a number. Before I went for surgery I applied for, interviewed and was offered another position. After much debate, I turned it down. No, officially, I withdrew my candidacy. My guilt about leaving for surgery, my loyalty to a project that was coming to fruition weeks after my return, a long unexpected talk with a coworker and my hope that things would get better made me do it. Don't g...

Summer seemed to linger on and then all of a sudden... it's FALL! I spent Friday at home not feeling well, mostly due to being stressed and overwhelmed at the moment. The weather wasn't great, but Saturday was looking beautiful and we had plans to play tourist with DH's cousin visiting from Italy. We were heading out to a small Zoo for part of the day and they don't have a restaurant on site but they had a small cafeteria area with microwaves available, so I wanted to prepare something for lunch ahead of time. I don't particularly love microwaved food, but chilli is one of those foods that tastes great any way you cook or re-heat it... plus, it wasn't something I needed to babysit over the stove; win-win! After dropping the LO off at daycare, I raced over to Wal-Mart and picked up a couple of Hunt's Chilli Mix packages, some meat and some corn. Really, this is all you need! Depending on how I feel I add other things in as well, like peppers or oni...

By now I am sure most people have seen the post entitled "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" making the rounds on social media in the last year. But, how many of you actually clicked on it? If you are like me, I initially thought the title was so petty that it would be an eye-roll of a read. But, I had extra time one day (imagine that!) and it popped up in my saved links on Facebook so I gave it a try. And I cannot tell you how many people I have forwarded it to since! The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink. She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. It is an excellent read if you are having troubles or not; whether you are the one leaving the dishes or the one cleaning them up. To read the full piece, head over to Must Be This Tall To Ride .

This summer I was given the chance to test products by Bear Paws (cookies) and Mabel's Labels in a joint venture marketing opportunity. I won't lie, I was previously aware of both these products but I had not sampled very many cookie flavors in the past and while I had a package of labels somewhere in the drawer already, I wasn't really using them on clothing and this is what I put to the test. The Bear Paws are great for snacks, but they crumble easily in the packaging so I prefer not to throw them into the diaper bag like I would other snack choices. I do have one of those Roots insulated lunch bags they sell at Costco and they fair quite well inside of the front pouch for road trips. In either case, they make a good special treat in this house! I especially liked the soft granola chocolate chip cookies because they only have one cookie per package so I can pair it with a sippy cup of milk and it's not too much to spoil dinner. I am definitely a fan of the molasses ...

Well folks, my month off is officially over! I return to work tomorrow and the daily routine begins again. Thankfully I only have to work for 2 days before the weekend! I fear next week will feel terribly long! I am happy to report that my hand has healed amazingly well and I have no regrets about surgery at all. Should my left hand ever need to be operated on I will not hesitate. I saw my Osteopath yesterday and they are very happy with the results as well. There is some scar tissue that needs to be softened and massaged but I can take care of that on my own. I have some strengthening exercises to do as well, but I can do them sitting on the bus if need be as they are nothing fancy or difficult. Here’s a look at the progress. As for my head… well that is still a work in progress. I basically won’t know how I feel about returning to work until I return to work so I will jump in feet first and go from there. It won’t be easy, but I know that so I need to do what I can to ease my...

My time off for surgery is quickly coming to an end. My hand, while not 100% healed yet, feels great; better than it has in over a year! My mind, however, is starting to race again. I have plans nearly every day between now and next Thursday, with Thanksgiving in between, so that should keep me preoccupied. But, while I might look fine on the outside, the anxiety is there. Anxiety is funny; in the way it creeps up on you, not funny ha ha. I knew it would come this time, I anticipated it, I talked about it, I took precautions against it... but the fact of the matter is that I left work in a state of turmoil and I am returning to an unresolved situation (as far as I am concerned) and this makes that environment uncomfortable for me. That discomfort feeds emotions deep down inside of me and the anxiety comes racing through, despite any amount of anticipation. It is a mix of things really. Not only am I anxious about work, but the day before I go back I am meeting with one of my old ...

This past weekend we went out to Quinn Farm for the first time and it was a wonderful day out with activities for the whole family. They had live music, barnyard animals, tractor rides, seasonal fruit and vegetable picking and a store with all kinds of home baked goods and preserves, and a variety of local products including fresh eggs, cheese and crafts. The farm itself is a little far from us, but I really wanted the LO to see all of the different animals she has learned about from her books. And, being fall, we had the bonus of apple picking, which inevitably means... baking! Our first stop was to the barn where the LO saw a huge sow gobble up some sweet corn, some sheep in need of a shear, chickens and lots of goats big and small. She giggled and squealed every time she got to pet the goats; she is definitely my child, after all we were both born in the Chinese Year of the Goat! Then we headed over to the tractor ride and they brought us out to the orchards. While apple pickin...

Whoa, freaky moment! First off, if you read the title of this post and had no idea what it was referring to, shame on you! The only reason I can spell "chrysanthemum" is because of Anne Shirley, Anne with an "e". I grew up watching Anne of Green Gables over and over again, memorizing every single word. I have traveled to PEI specifically to indulge in anything and everything related to the series. I have seen various plays, read the books, watched the movies, watched the spinoffs and even tried to watch the remake (I couldn't do it, although I have promised myself I would try again). I have even been to the Stratford Festival just to see Megan Follows, aka Anne, act in Amadeus. Maybe I should add, I AM CANADIAN! Anyhow, back to the freaky moment. I currently working to partially remove a tattoo on my back in order to cover it up with something that is more me. I am also working on a tattoo in honor of my daughter. So, while she is named after a flower I w...

If you saw me right now, and over the past few weeks, you could clearly see that something about me was "damaged". Even if you didn't know exactly what had happened, you could clearly see that my right wrist and hand wore a brace, gauze wrap, ace bandage, industrial strength band-aid or some combination of those things at any time. And, it would be safe to assume that I was probably feeling some level of pain, discomfort and/or frustration at any given time, in addition to worrying about how to manage with an almost 2yr old depending on me. I wouldn't have had to tell you any of this, you could infer simply by looking at my hand. But what about when you don't have a visible injury? What if you are hurting on the inside? I bring this up because in the last couple of days I have realized that being off work for this 4 week period has been more therapeutic to me internally than I feel it is necessary externally. Yes, in part this is because I like to test and pus...

A few friends have wondered how I was posting when I did as they were well aware what was going on in real life at those times. So, I thought I would share my answer here instead of in an email since I was probably going to get to it eventually anyway. Back before I was pregnant I had the beginnings of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, coming from far too many years typing away at a keyboard and probably too many hours playing video games too. While pregnant, the symptoms worsened but I was hopeful that they would subside again afterwards. Unfortunately, a whole year later they had not. My family doctor finally agreed to send me for testing and the EMG came back clearly showing that I was severely affected on my right arm and mildly on my left (so mild I wasn't even aware). I met with a surgeon back earlier this year and he explained the operation to me. They were ready to proceed immediately, but I delayed due to some projects at work I wanted to be present for. Stupid me, I made myself w...

I suppose the majority of my CMM readers have always been those close to my journey TTC, personally or following a similar path, but my goal with IABYA is to be a bit more broad in scope and reach a larger audience. I am not looking to take over the world wide web and become an empire, just a little slice! I will continue to keep this as a personal journal of sorts, but I also hope to share guest posts and curated content as well ( in other words - if you have something to say... please message me, I want to hear from you ). There is so much information out there regarding our health, parenting, relationships and anything else you can think of, but sometimes a story jumps out at me and I just feel like it is something I need to share! So, I will try and post a list of interesting reads from time to time alongside my own story. Some may be correlated or intertwined, others may just be an interesting read. I may even dig something up from my old blog! Being a new mom as well as a...

Welcome to the new blog! Did you miss me? Did you have a good summer? Did you travel? Staycation? If we haven't talked, I want to hear from you! So just to recap, for those of you who have followed me along the way (and newcomers who have no idea where they've landed), back in June I decided to shut down Creating My Monster (CMM) after 7 years keeping it going. I think I had subconsciously decided to do this long before, as you can see from my lack of posting towards the end, but one day I finally decided that it was time once and for all and I pulled the plug.  CMM was created out of a need for self expression in a very grey and lonely period of my life; a place I could creatively pour my troubles into, keep a diary of sorts about my medical journey TTC, and later my pregnancy. But, also, there was a possibly to help others through their own personal journey's too. It was a time of struggle, self discovery, failure, determination and, ultimately, triumph. If ...